Using bouncers from the 1980s is the biggest of the Faslane security breaches it emerged today.
Before training and regulation of security staff, door security consisted of 2 morbidly obese men called Gary and Terry who wore black leather jackets zipped up to the top and a nuckle duster.
We asked Gary and Terry just why security at Faslane was so poor.
'Our job is to keep the wrong sort away' said GaTerry.
'So any coons, wops, dagos or pakis are turned away immediately. Including Rear Admiral Hamid Rahman, base commander.'
'But Frankie the Filch, he just has to give us a cheeky gram bag each and in he goes. Good lad, salt of the earth.'