Raheem Sterling missed his first training session of the season with Liverpool due to falling ill with Malnourished Bank Account Syndrome it has been announced.
An increasingly common disease amongst younger footballers, symptoms include only possessing one Bentley Continental, sink taps only being gold plated and a complete lack of respect for the hard working people who spend almost a weeks salary watching you prance around and fall over a lot like a spoilt little cunt.
'It's a devastating disease' said Dean O'Driscoll, football agent.
'I've suffered from it myself when my second hot tub went on the fritz. Tragic and arduous times.'
'Liverpool need to pull out all the stops and provide a complete package of medical care for Raheem which involves transferring him to a hospital in Manchester and buying me a private jet.'
'Only then can this terrible affliction that has beset this poor boy be truly eradicated and he can spend his career on the bench in peace.'