The Morning Gerald: Sport

Liverpool Rename The Kop to The Klopp

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Liverpool football club are celebrating the appointment of Jurgen Klopp as the new manager by renaming all the stands in honour of the changing ethos of the club.</div>
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The Kop is obviously being renamed to the Klopp.</div>
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But the other stands are somewhat more controversial.</div>
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The Centenary Stand is now to be names the 'Century Until We Win The League' stand in what is being called a piece of painful sporting realism by some but cruel and divisive by others.</div>
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The Main stand is to be renamed 'The Pain' stand, said to be representative of not only what Liverpool fans have been through since the formation of the Premier League, but the expected eternity of hope dashed by mediocrity in the teams players and playing style.</div>
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The final stand, the Anfield Road stand, is said to undergo the most radical change by being named the 'Goodison Park' Stand. Goodison Park is, of course, the home of rivals Everton.</div>
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Head of Branding at Liverpool, Ash Kennedy, said 'This may seem an unorthodox choice, but it is done for a very good reason.'</div>
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'We believe it will motivate both the players and the fans to perform at the level of the local Merseyside derby at every game. The derby is historically a tense game where Liverpool attempt to play at their very physical limit.'</div>
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'If we can inspire that in every game, we believe success may finally return to our club.'</div>
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The rebranding is to begin in the coming weeks with signage and new corporate literature being printed at this moment.</div>

Liverpool Rename The Kop to The Klopp

Liverpool football club are celebrating the appointment of Jurgen Klopp as the new manager by renaming all the stands in honour of th...

Confused Blatter Escorted by Nurses to Old Folks Home

International, News, Sport 13:13

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Sepp Blatter has been escorted by two nurses from the headquarters of FIFA asking what day it is it has been reported.</div>
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Overheard asking 'Are you my daughters?' of the nurses, one of whom was male, Blatter is to reside at the Home for the Age Related Corrupt & Filthy Rich.</div>
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All charges against Blatter are to be dropped. Swiss prosecutor Herman Busdel said 'It is necessary in this situation.'</div>
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'Although Mr. Blatter does have a lot to amswer for, we can't bring ourselves to do it. He looks so confused and pathetic. You wouldnt chastise a 16 year old cancer ridden old dog for shitting on your carpet would you?'</div>
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'No, you would do the kind thing. Put him in a hessian bag with 12 rocks and chuck him in the sea. Or have a vet put him down. Either / Or.'</div>
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'Shame we cant do the same with Sepp. Hang on. We're in Switzerland. Get me the address of Dignitas. Or failing that, bring me a hessian bag. And some rocks.'</div>

Confused Blatter Escorted by Nurses to Old Folks Home

Sepp Blatter has been escorted by two nurses from the headquarters of FIFA asking what day it is it has been reported. Overheard ...

Sports Team Plays Other Sports Team

News, Sport 12:32

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A sport team dressed in yellow clothes has competed against another sport team dressed in red clothes it has been announced.</div>
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The yellow team passed a small ball like object amongst themselves in the hope they could encourage it to traverse a field of grass from one end to another.</div>
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The red team tried to stop them and in turn encourage the object to travel in the opposite direction.</div>
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Astonishingly, over 40,000 people arrived and paid to watch this ballet of men and object and shouted bizarre phrases in unison at those on the field.</div>
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'What a way to spend £60 and an afternoon!' said one crazed punter. Mental health charity Mind said it had been informed of this bizarre behaviour and were organising a mass group session later in the week.</div>

Sports Team Plays Other Sports Team

A sport team dressed in yellow clothes has competed against another sport team dressed in red clothes it has been announced. T...

Blighty First! Grrr! etc etc

Business, News, Sport, UK 02:19

Blighty First! Grrr! etc etc

Jose Mourinho Offered Free Copy of Champ Man

News, Sport, UK 09:21

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After a 3-1 drubbing to Everton at Goodison Park this weekend, Jose Mourinho has been offered a copy of Championship Manager it has been revealed.</div>
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As he prepared for the journey back to London, he was presented with the gift of the classic game so he can learn how to coach a football team.</div>
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'I am very grateful for this learning aid' said Mourinho</div>
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'It has become obvious to me I need help. Why, just this weekend, a sage Evertonian suggested to me from the crowd that 'You're shit, and you know you are.'</div>
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'Unfortunatley, he may be right. Our own fans, ususally virtually silent, informed me 'You don't know what you're doing' and asked me 'What the fucking, what the fucking, what the fucking hell was that?'</div>
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'English isn't my first language but it feels negative. So I am going to learn management using this game. Apparently, looking moody and giving intense interviews and spending the Greek national debt on players isn't enough.'</div>

Jose Mourinho Offered Free Copy of Champ Man

After a 3-1 drubbing to Everton at Goodison Park this weekend, Jose Mourinho has been offered a copy of Championship Manager it has b...

Morse Code Chess Cheat Crowned Worlds Biggest Nerd

News, Sci-Tech, Sport 09:28

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An Italian man who was caught cheating at an international chess tournament using a morse code device hidden under his clothes has been crowned King of the Nerds it has been announced.</div>
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Previous monarch, Professor Brian Cox, said 'There aren't many people I woukd give this crown up to, but Arcangelo Ricciardi is one of them.'</div>
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'I may have been a keyboard player who went on to be a theoretical physicist but this is a whole order of nerdiness above that.'</div>
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'Had he been wearing a mediaevel kings outfit with wooden sword and a bunch of virgin mates dressed ready to take part in a mock fight he would havr become Universe Emperor of the Nerds.'</div>
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'But as it happens, sitting there holding a morse code device under your armpit in jizz stained half mast corduroy trousers only gets you King I am afraid.'</div>

Morse Code Chess Cheat Crowned Worlds Biggest Nerd

An Italian man who was caught cheating at an international chess tournament using a morse code device hidden under his clothes has be...

Hamilton to Jog Next Grand Prix

News, Sport 02:36

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After securing a lead of over 50 points, Lewis Hamilton will jog the next Grand Prix it has been announced.</div>
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Speaking from a gun range in California where he is perfecting his gangsta poses, Hamilton said 'It's getting too easy to be honest.'</div>
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'This weekend at Monza I was able to drive the whole Grand Prix with just one hand while I cupped my bollocks with the other.'</div>
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'If you think that is bad, having enough time to get a drive through Maccies and go back because the double cheeseburgers weren't plain like I asked, and still win, just shows that everybody else is crap.'</div>
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'I heard Fernando Alonso's race engineers telling him how turning the steering wheel turns the front wheels. What a cock!'</div>
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'So I think I will jog the next one. Maybe do a bit on a Segway. Then steal Murray Walker's golf buggy and chase him round the circuit whipping his arse with a baguette. Because I can.'</div>

Hamilton to Jog Next Grand Prix

After securing a lead of over 50 points, Lewis Hamilton will jog the next Grand Prix it has been announced. Speaking from a gun r...

Aussie Born British Tennis Player 'Thankfully Not Scottish'

News, Sport 02:24

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Jo Konta, Britains number 3 seed women's Tennis player, is wowing the crowds with a surprise run of form at the US Open it has emerged.</div>
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With Hungarian parentage but born in Australia, Jo made her home in the UK aged 14 and Andy Murray thinks she can go all the way.</div>
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'Her form is impressive and she is to be watched. This might take some of the pressure off me as apparently I'm a dour Scottish, haggis munching, miserable bastard.'</div>
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'It's true of course. But that doesn't mean I have to like it. She can pretend to be English and please all you soppy cunts with your fucking strawberries and cream and your tailored suits that make you look like you've been spray painted with canvas, you twats.'</div>
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'Just fuck off an leave us alone will you? We're trying to be angry lonely bastards here. Pricks.'</div>

Aussie Born British Tennis Player 'Thankfully Not Scottish'

Jo Konta, Britains number 3 seed women's Tennis player, is wowing the crowds with a surprise run of form at the US Open it has em...

How Does Bolt Run So Quick? 'By Moving His Legs The Fastest'

News, Sport 09:07

<div style="text-align: center; padding: 5px;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTmIcH3U_rtRlDs7Nnax7eW5FqmLiXqFC5cGOmcT9tKGsippJSA08YPg4iyifxXtLk-gRw9GLW17FswJqNyO0VhA8GYSrDPi51RfuEc9B8mMOP4TFG5xi9emkEVdsmUkYIDPI7P6SNSO1P/"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTmIcH3U_rtRlDs7Nnax7eW5FqmLiXqFC5cGOmcT9tKGsippJSA08YPg4iyifxXtLk-gRw9GLW17FswJqNyO0VhA8GYSrDPi51RfuEc9B8mMOP4TFG5xi9emkEVdsmUkYIDPI7P6SNSO1P/ cursor: pointer;" style="border: 1px solid; border-radius: 2px;padding: 5px; max-width: 320px " width="320px" /></a></div><div class="blogaway-section"><p>A new study has been completed to establish just how Usian Bolt can run so fast.<br/>
<br/>The Institute of Pointless Research has concluded that Bolt moves his legs faster than other people.<br/>
<br/>'It's a unique skill' said Dr. Edward Longbranch.<br/>
<br/>'It seems his feet move from the back to the front quicker than his opponents. This has the effect of propelling him forward at a greater velocity.'<br/>
<br/>Asked if he could suggest any way in which other competitors could beat him, Dr. Longbranch said<br/>
<br/>'Try moving your feet even quicker than his. According to the laws of physics that should make you go faster. Oh, and not being 5ft 3 inches tall might help too.'</p></div><br/>

How Does Bolt Run So Quick? 'By Moving His Legs The Fastest'

A new study has been completed to establish just how Usian Bolt can run so fast. The Institute of Pointless Research has concluded that Bol...

Saudi Arabia on Course for Victory in Decapitation League

International, News, Politics, Sport 09:37

<div style="text-align: center; padding: 5px;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeBcTZa-O0wB4S8CeGrO6iqGvYufBBdytoez8_vv5q1vaAXraTBi5OCjhokGV97wxZVqQVDxeC1ATHFGcuNTrupFKKXrJOpgbi5GBrmdrjdtswwIRYgeixqMyL1IBH164UOYwfWplxRj7a/"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeBcTZa-O0wB4S8CeGrO6iqGvYufBBdytoez8_vv5q1vaAXraTBi5OCjhokGV97wxZVqQVDxeC1ATHFGcuNTrupFKKXrJOpgbi5GBrmdrjdtswwIRYgeixqMyL1IBH164UOYwfWplxRj7a/ cursor: pointer;" style="border: 1px solid; border-radius: 2px;padding: 5px; max-width: 320px " width="320px" /></a></div><div class="blogaway-section"><p>Saudo Arabia has overtaken ISIS in the league it has been announced.<br/>
<br/>The annual Coca Cola Decapitation League is played out across many middle eastern countries and groups and is the top sport in the area.<br/>
<br/>'Saudi Arabia have really stepped up their attacking game' said pundit Trevor Pulman.<br/>
<br/>'Not only is head removal with an axe a mens sport, the House of Saud has added women and, crucially, children to the mix.'<br/>
<br/>'This truly show the commitment needed to win this championship and win the worlds condemnation but not a lot else.'<br/>
<br/>'We all need petrol for our cars don't we? What's a few state murders amongst friends?'</p></div><br/>

Saudi Arabia on Course for Victory in Decapitation League

Saudo Arabia has overtaken ISIS in the league it has been announced. The annual Coca Cola Decapitation League is played out across many mid...

Actors List Sport Teams They Won't Be Buying

News, Sport 09:28

<div style="text-align: center; padding: 5px;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUUbbaim8l-zAl2gNviKUmEltRs6Ol8K_lxXAX2bWb2g04SofqrMqFzpZI0ULa7Zemiya1adnwu4HhEt4fAWDaHSsg0lETgA6rvMiNCothYT-2vp8lxtLfAKaf_hkJXf5APsQTelpooomA/"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUUbbaim8l-zAl2gNviKUmEltRs6Ol8K_lxXAX2bWb2g04SofqrMqFzpZI0ULa7Zemiya1adnwu4HhEt4fAWDaHSsg0lETgA6rvMiNCothYT-2vp8lxtLfAKaf_hkJXf5APsQTelpooomA/ cursor: pointer;" style="border: 1px solid; border-radius: 2px;padding: 5px; max-width: 320px " width="320px" /></a></div><div class="blogaway-section"><p>As Russel Crowe spent 89 tweets uesterday explaing why he won't be buying Leeds United, other actors haave followed suit and will be listing soorting teams they won't be purchasing.<br/>
<br/>'I can announce I will not be buying Chester City FC because I've never heard of them and don't have a fucking clue what they do' tweeted Johnny Depp<br/>
<br/>'Leeds Rhinos Rugby League team are not to become one of my properties. I found their name on Wikipedia and I feel I must rule myself out of the running if there even was a running.' said Brad Pitt.<br/>
<br/>'Accrington Stanley? Who are they?!?' said Samuel L. Jackson.</p></div><br/>

Actors List Sport Teams They Won't Be Buying

As Russel Crowe spent 89 tweets uesterday explaing why he won't be buying Leeds United, other actors haave followed suit and will be lis...

Horses to Begin Human Racing

News, Sport 09:30

<div style="text-align: center; padding: 5px;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGORzoFBZL63JxPn5RrWbfZOMBSsJLATqUeh8FJaZzGKErjCI70a5XqahwCplhhFcpZke0ZXsqPg0RY1jQBii0FqI-8au1c1DrZYMnrnOux4jnoPziKV6MMnKyFtQYmzN1igg3D_ArT2KE/"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGORzoFBZL63JxPn5RrWbfZOMBSsJLATqUeh8FJaZzGKErjCI70a5XqahwCplhhFcpZke0ZXsqPg0RY1jQBii0FqI-8au1c1DrZYMnrnOux4jnoPziKV6MMnKyFtQYmzN1igg3D_ArT2KE/ cursor: pointer;" style="border: 1px solid; border-radius: 2px;padding: 5px; max-width: 320px " width="320px"></a></div><div class="blogaway-section"><p>Horses have began mounting humans whilst wearing lamé multicoloured outfits and wielding a whip it has been announced.<br>
<br>Gold Cup winner Puff the Magic Dragon said 'I realised that, rather than running endlessly with some tiny tit on my back, I could ride him.'<br>
<br>'So I put on my best shiny clothes, jammed a whip into my hoof and mounted the nearest mini gobshite I could find.'<br>
<br>'It was particularly fun whipping the hell out of his flank and legs to make him run faster. Ironically the pain caused him to slow down. So I did the only logical thing. I hit him harder.'<br>
<br>'He was squealing at this point. He was pathetic. Then he fell at the first fence. It was really quite uncomfortable for me tumbling like that. So I took a shotgun and blew his brains out right there on the racing course.'<br>
<br>'Time to find another little bastard to maim.'</p></div><br>

Horses to Begin Human Racing

Horses have began mounting humans whilst wearing lamé multicoloured outfits and wielding a whip it has been announced. Gold Cup winner Puff...

Rowing Coxswain 'Just a Small Bloke to Point at and Bully'

News, Sport 09:21

<div style="text-align: center; padding: 5px;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglnUn-Y3sVVYwtt3NXBIiV47s16gjMo1hPP8XcOGBxFFHIQ1vK8pe_uWFpMZnIlsEFtajfnZaRp_GhbW1cD_HnB7uuP6Svt6vE6JRip-woD6Kjm2fVbwMBTLxjWSDzOAyqk-iQesjkERiH/"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglnUn-Y3sVVYwtt3NXBIiV47s16gjMo1hPP8XcOGBxFFHIQ1vK8pe_uWFpMZnIlsEFtajfnZaRp_GhbW1cD_HnB7uuP6Svt6vE6JRip-woD6Kjm2fVbwMBTLxjWSDzOAyqk-iQesjkERiH/ cursor: pointer;" style="border: 1px solid; border-radius: 2px;padding: 5px; max-width: 320px " width="320px" /></a></div><div class="blogaway-section"><p>The coxswain in rowing boats is there mainly to entertain the crew it has been revealed.<br/>
<br/>The man, usually below 5ft 2 in height and with a high pitched effeminate voice, is to help the rowers concentrate.<br/>
<br/>'Our rowing squads are always split into coxed fours and coxless fours' said Team GB rowing coach Mike Lynch.<br/>
<br/>'We base it on intelligence. Those who have some capacity for independent thought are in the coxless.'<br/>
<br/>'But the privately educated, bouffant haired, utterley thick and reprehensible morons who enjoy picking on those beneath them need something to keep them entertained else they might try to eat the boat.'<br/>
<br/>'So we give them a short bloke to bully and abuse to maintain concentration on rowing.'<br/>
<br/>'Then when they've finish, this bunch of cads are free to spunk their parents money on Cristal and foie gras like the repulsive cunts they are.'</p></div><br/>

Rowing Coxswain 'Just a Small Bloke to Point at and Bully'

The coxswain in rowing boats is there mainly to entertain the crew it has been revealed. The man, usually below 5ft 2 in height and with a ...

Underwater 9 Minute Breath Hold Death Shocker!

International, News, Sport 09:03

<div style="text-align: center; padding: 5px;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipCmCqR97KTWnqcnYLPwiGU0shxHC_dAxeojHGGAVuqk64qcesK7_yrHxxaujmqWruoElh6nOdA2S5oSLEd_QCkwpc1GM_bY-v5usQbFBXHrHkFOQWnsfkALXPZH1_mjqd6cgzBOXsMUSp/"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipCmCqR97KTWnqcnYLPwiGU0shxHC_dAxeojHGGAVuqk64qcesK7_yrHxxaujmqWruoElh6nOdA2S5oSLEd_QCkwpc1GM_bY-v5usQbFBXHrHkFOQWnsfkALXPZH1_mjqd6cgzBOXsMUSp/ cursor: pointer;" style="border: 1px solid; border-radius: 2px;padding: 5px; max-width: 320px " width="320px" /></a></div><div class="blogaway-section"><p>A world record breaking free diver has died in her latest attempt to hold her breath for considerably longer than necessary.<br/>
<br/>Natalia Molchanova, 53 of Russia, holds multiple world records in this alledged sport.<br/>
<br/>'It's a real tragedy.' said sport officiando Greg Gunder.<br/>
<br/>'She has achieved so much in a field where you can do so much more with an aqualung and facemask. Her achievements are in no way utterly futile and pointless.'<br/>
<br/>'She leaves behind children and granddchildren who I'm sure are only too happy that she died doing something she loved more than them.'<br/>
<br/>'More and more we see people taking idiotic risks with their lives and causing pain and upset. There is no world left to conquer. None left to explore. Want to go deep into the ocean? Use an aqualung.'<br/>
<br/>'Better yet, a submarine. Better yet, read a fucking book about it.'</p></div><br/>

Underwater 9 Minute Breath Hold Death Shocker!

A world record breaking free diver has died in her latest attempt to hold her breath for considerably longer than necessary. Natalia Molcha...

Chris Froome Stripped of Tour de France Win After Using Jaguar XF

News, Sport 02:37

<div style="text-align: center; padding: 5px;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZuZUPvt-dXS1D7m-iD_SZXPwa6dPWjUShoTqWBwHClkb59Qi1Gz1ZwBFrOJE_AIZeXT1nlGJlC83XBW7Ee37MCClIfJwMMmJ1myuHB9OGuBmej8xseOVG9MJXOzIG0D-5-9n2rqenQMZm/"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZuZUPvt-dXS1D7m-iD_SZXPwa6dPWjUShoTqWBwHClkb59Qi1Gz1ZwBFrOJE_AIZeXT1nlGJlC83XBW7Ee37MCClIfJwMMmJ1myuHB9OGuBmej8xseOVG9MJXOzIG0D-5-9n2rqenQMZm/ cursor: pointer;" style="border: 1px solid; border-radius: 2px;padding: 5px; max-width: 320px " width="320px"></a></div><div class="blogaway-section"><p>Tour de France hero and winner Chris Froome is to be stripped of his title after it emerged he had used a car for the mountain stages.<br>
<br>With the intense scrutiny on doping suspicions and elements of the French populace treating his team disrespectfully, nobody noticed he used powered vehicles on multiple occasions.<br>
<br>'How I got away with it this long is nothing short of a miracle' said Froome yesterday.<br>
<br>'On the Utrecht to Zeeland section I just drove in a Jaguar XF. I acknowledge that with the stickers I put on the side I may have looked like a support car which may have helped.'<br>
<br>'But on the Rodez to Mende stage I used a Challenger 2 Tank. Remember that fucking great big tank? That was me. The driver had a yellow jersey.'<br>
<br>'Did you not figure it out?!?'</p></div><br>

Chris Froome Stripped of Tour de France Win After Using Jaguar XF

Tour de France hero and winner Chris Froome is to be stripped of his title after it emerged he had used a car for the mountain stages. With...

Liverpool Defence Outwitted by Two Foot Tall Robots

News, Sport 09:14

<div style="text-align: center; padding: 5px;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioY7h0xyRurltd8X36N_GVqm3MXP4Ozzd0YqrSCSP-FoDXBFpJ_0W4UBc94AWjsz36vzNQh6mAcTD39uJ2ji-dE9EyyCGSRGLWvDdm9HFD0-U6pkaSQ1cZJH6UhBFJBhBr3noI86ZerXpO/"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioY7h0xyRurltd8X36N_GVqm3MXP4Ozzd0YqrSCSP-FoDXBFpJ_0W4UBc94AWjsz36vzNQh6mAcTD39uJ2ji-dE9EyyCGSRGLWvDdm9HFD0-U6pkaSQ1cZJH6UhBFJBhBr3noI86ZerXpO/ cursor: pointer;" style="border: 1px solid; border-radius: 2px;padding: 5px; max-width: 320px " width="320px" /></a></div><div class="blogaway-section"><p>Brenden Rodgers new defensive line-up was tested on their pre-season far east tour it has emerged.<br/>
<br/>A pair of 2 foot tall robots who can just about travel at human walking pace outflanked the Liverpool's defence on 3 occasions leaving the once mighty reds looking like minnows.<br/>
<br/>'This is new territory for us' said Rodgers.<br/>
<br/>'Literally, I've never been here before in my life.'<br/>
<br/>We asked what he felt of his teams humiliating defeat despite having re-armoured his defensive line in the summer transfer window?<br/>
<br/>'Oh I'm house hunting for somewhere more, well, in keeping with my next job as the kit washer.'</p></div><br/>

Liverpool Defence Outwitted by Two Foot Tall Robots

Brenden Rodgers new defensive line-up was tested on their pre-season far east tour it has emerged. A pair of 2 foot tall robots who can jus...

After Sucessful Test, Blatter Installs Money Shower

International, News, Sport 08:22

<div style="text-align: center; padding: 5px;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-ZTgHF76ZlCetO6VjSTgVDONquEwOSzJMcyafyGM4PirTNhyGp5HbKzqiu0UGviscDHmdqk3Y_7Vp2wEhS9yQ5Oz435B4AwarA0In17Ph7nFxy6lmd8JDQRGN2F0fJXcuMTeADjqE-2Ip/"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-ZTgHF76ZlCetO6VjSTgVDONquEwOSzJMcyafyGM4PirTNhyGp5HbKzqiu0UGviscDHmdqk3Y_7Vp2wEhS9yQ5Oz435B4AwarA0In17Ph7nFxy6lmd8JDQRGN2F0fJXcuMTeADjqE-2Ip/ cursor: pointer;" style="border: 1px solid; border-radius: 2px;padding: 5px; max-width: 320px " width="320px" /></a></div><div class="blogaway-section"><p>FIFA President for Life, His Excellency Sir Sepp of Blatter, has confirmed that a shower that rains down cash rather than water will be installed in all his private bathrooms.<br/>
<br/>Blatter's office in the FIFA headquarters is a 2 floor apartment with 7 bathrooms, an entertainment suite and a walk in safe.<br/>
<br/>'This is an essential facility for the efficient running of FIFA' said Blatter's Executive Assisstant.<br/>
<br/>'With these showers installed, a nation need not visit but instead simply transfer funds to the account of the shower which then automatically rains the contents of its account to the floor.'<br/>
<br/>'This would have solved lots of problems in the past. Instead of Russian delegates complaining about the heat and Qatari delegates complaining about the cold, they could have just activated the money shower.'<br/>
<br/>'Though I'm sure Jack Warner would have moved in to one of them.'</p></div><br/>

After Sucessful Test, Blatter Installs Money Shower

FIFA President for Life, His Excellency Sir Sepp of Blatter, has confirmed that a shower that rains down cash rather than water will be inst...

RSPCB Praises End of Wimbledon: This Fuzzy Yellow Ball Abuse Must Stop!

News, Sport 04:13

<div style="text-align: center; padding: 5px;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjspO3qQjKw5_NE-9njvYNwvtP5cHVXOjNBkytTcb6xtOj5oYTK3CqGp0h4vHErxY-znGTV9-XR4jVeja1e4uBUGA04fw_njYCFcAemiGps_Pg3f_mBs6y-Tf-gCG2K78-TqK0Fb7r3nubg/"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjspO3qQjKw5_NE-9njvYNwvtP5cHVXOjNBkytTcb6xtOj5oYTK3CqGp0h4vHErxY-znGTV9-XR4jVeja1e4uBUGA04fw_njYCFcAemiGps_Pg3f_mBs6y-Tf-gCG2K78-TqK0Fb7r3nubg/ cursor: pointer;" style="border: 1px solid; border-radius: 2px;padding: 5px; max-width: 320px " width="320px" /></a></div><div class="blogaway-section"><p>The Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Balls has praised Wimbledon for finishing on time and asked for a delay in the start of the Davis Cup.<br/>
<br/>In a statement released today, the RSPCB said 'We are glad this long 2 weeks of punishment and abuse towards spheres of yellow has stopped'<br/>
<br/>'It is our heartfelt belief that the connection all balls share with the shape of our planet means abuse of balls is abuse of the Earth.'<br/>
<br/>'We call on all sports to instead use our advice and take up the cube.'<br/>
<br/>'This shape does not appear in nature and as such is open to mistreatment. We feel that all angular shapes can be used as a substitute.'<br/>
<br/>'Finally, we would like to congratulate our intern on his development of a new strain of super strong skunk and his continued restraint from putting it in our foodstuffs.'</p></div><br/>

RSPCB Praises End of Wimbledon: This Fuzzy Yellow Ball Abuse Must Stop!

The Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Balls has praised Wimbledon for finishing on time and asked for a delay in the start of t...

Cricket Hero Moeen Ali Giving Daily Mail Readers Funny Tummy Feelings

News, Sport 08:25

<div style="text-align: center; padding: 5px;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg45iifgjuPbUKo-Gron3lb0AH9do5hX6nFRk5Yu9DEu0y5o4tYJByrerVZ-R1bqrt7lPp1KU3mEai-4hvWxIDcBpndipviKIvCNaFvcNE_2_yClPFaUqJsoUB_9NhbIy-4SWWbnkFEzbiw/"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg45iifgjuPbUKo-Gron3lb0AH9do5hX6nFRk5Yu9DEu0y5o4tYJByrerVZ-R1bqrt7lPp1KU3mEai-4hvWxIDcBpndipviKIvCNaFvcNE_2_yClPFaUqJsoUB_9NhbIy-4SWWbnkFEzbiw/ cursor: pointer;" style="border: 1px solid; border-radius: 2px;padding: 5px; max-width: 320px " width="320px" /></a></div><div class="blogaway-section"><p>Test hero Moeen Ali has guaranteed Englands continued success with a bravura performance yesterday. <br/>
<br/>But Ali has beem giving some England fans unusual feeling inside.<br/>
<br/>Daily Mail reader and sport fanatic Ash Kennedy said 'I am starting to think I like Moeen Ali despite everything about him telling me I shouldn't'<br/>
<br/>'Have you noticed, his skin is a bit darker than the accepted British standard of north european milk bottle white?'<br/>
<br/>'He has a funny name as well. Really he should be called Andrew Johnson.'<br/>
<br/>'But most alarming of all is his really rather long beard. You don't think he's a Muslim do you?'<br/>
<br/>'No, can't be. The papers say they are all either terrorists or terrorism sympathisers unless they spend every waking moment shouting 'Terrorism is evil and being white and Christian is lovely!''<br/>
<br/>'No, he must be part of an orthodox Christian sect. Yes that's it. Not a dirty brown muslim at all.'</p></div><br/>

Cricket Hero Moeen Ali Giving Daily Mail Readers Funny Tummy Feelings

Test hero Moeen Ali has guaranteed Englands continued success with a bravura performance yesterday. But Ali has beem giving some England fa...

Ill Sterling Misses First Training; Diagnosed With Malnourished Bank Account

News, Sport 09:19

<div style="text-align: center; padding: 5px;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_Lzl_ZwJneUqfGlU5Ihls6if-OxXg53pNGSoVgDmlxcLKSqyxXrw-nCta86aPI_7iGOypZRDCmr_muK3liBggr6-agr3ucBbAGumkFlRZgAUn7dhfG_x6WXnz8DdSzII0OD64FBcLwBH3/"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_Lzl_ZwJneUqfGlU5Ihls6if-OxXg53pNGSoVgDmlxcLKSqyxXrw-nCta86aPI_7iGOypZRDCmr_muK3liBggr6-agr3ucBbAGumkFlRZgAUn7dhfG_x6WXnz8DdSzII0OD64FBcLwBH3/ cursor: pointer;" style="border: 1px solid; border-radius: 2px;padding: 5px; max-width: 320px " width="320px" /></a></div><div class="blogaway-section"><p>Raheem Sterling missed his first training session of the season with Liverpool due to falling ill with Malnourished Bank Account Syndrome it has been announced. <br/>
<br/>An increasingly common disease amongst younger footballers, symptoms include only possessing one Bentley Continental, sink taps only being gold plated and a complete lack of respect for the hard working people who spend almost a weeks salary watching you prance around and fall over a lot like a spoilt little cunt.<br/>
<br/>'It's a devastating disease' said Dean O'Driscoll, football agent.<br/>
<br/>'I've suffered from it myself when my second hot tub went on the fritz. Tragic and arduous times.'<br/>
<br/>'Liverpool need to pull out all the stops and provide a complete package of medical care for Raheem which involves transferring him to a hospital in Manchester and buying me a private jet.'<br/>
<br/>'Only then can this terrible affliction that has beset this poor boy be truly eradicated and he can spend his career on the bench in peace.'</p></div><br/>

Ill Sterling Misses First Training; Diagnosed With Malnourished Bank Account

Raheem Sterling missed his first training session of the season with Liverpool due to falling ill with Malnourished Bank Account Syndrome it...