The coxswain in rowing boats is there mainly to entertain the crew it has been revealed.
The man, usually below 5ft 2 in height and with a high pitched effeminate voice, is to help the rowers concentrate.
'Our rowing squads are always split into coxed fours and coxless fours' said Team GB rowing coach Mike Lynch.
'We base it on intelligence. Those who have some capacity for independent thought are in the coxless.'
'But the privately educated, bouffant haired, utterley thick and reprehensible morons who enjoy picking on those beneath them need something to keep them entertained else they might try to eat the boat.'
'So we give them a short bloke to bully and abuse to maintain concentration on rowing.'
'Then when they've finish, this bunch of cads are free to spunk their parents money on Cristal and foie gras like the repulsive cunts they are.'