The Morning Gerald: Sci-Tech

John Lewis Paedophile Dies From Low Oxygen, Pressure, Temperature

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The old man living on the Moon, who has been banished for touching far too many kids, has died from a combination of hypoxia, freezing and explosive decompression it has emerged.</div>
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As featured in this Christmas's John Lewis advert, the man began initially to struggle for breath.</div>
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'It looked quite horrific from the telescope I was watching him through' said Isla, a seven year old girl.</div>
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'I tried waving but he was too busy clutching his throat. It was then that I could see his fingers and limbs start to freeze solid around his neck.'</div>
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'He staggered towards what looked like a park bench but his movements became more and more robotic as he slowly froze.'</div>
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'Finally his stomach and guts exploded sending intestines flying off into space. He fell down backwards dead. Very, very dead.'</div>
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'Still, I've got a lovely spare telescope here!'</div>

John Lewis Paedophile Dies From Low Oxygen, Pressure, Temperature

The old man living on the Moon, who has been banished for touching far too many kids, has died from a combination of hypoxia, freezin...

Maths Exams That Include Maths to be Abolished

International, News, Sci-Tech 12:22

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With the increased focus internationally on 'Sally's Problem', 'The Dying Llama' and 'The Piss Easy Coins Thing', Maths exams are to have their content changed.</div>
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'We feel people struggle counting let alone using letters instead of numbers' said Professor Charles Langtree of the Felchfield Institute.</div>
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'From now on people will just have to stand in front of the invigilator and sing a nursery rhyme about pixies whilst wearing a silly hat.'</div>
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'That will get them an A in Maths and will see them in to any job they need.'</div>
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'There is the small issue of probably having to convert to a pre-industrial society when nobody can make any machines work or build them anymore.'</div>
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'But hey, no more maths exams with maths in them! Woo hoo!'</div>

Maths Exams That Include Maths to be Abolished

With the increased focus internationally on 'Sally's Problem', 'The Dying Llama' and 'The Piss Easy Coins Thi...

Fog Leads to General Relief That You Can't See London

News, Sci-Tech, UK 09:37

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The thick fog that has enveloped the UK today has lead over 8 million people to breathe a sigh of relief it has emerged.</div>
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The inability to see London has led to a jaunty spring in the step of Londoners.</div>
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Ash Kennedy, a bicycle courier from Clacton said 'This is best morning to go to work in ages.'</div>
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'I can't see any of the horrific sky scrapers. I can't see any of those bloody awful moving shuffling things on pavements. People! That's it, people.'</div>
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'But best of all I can't see any of the articulated lorries or buses that will inevitably kill me this morning with their general hatred for every other road user.'</div>
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'My death will be quick, peaceful and I won't see it coming. And I won't have to look into the faces of the gawping crowd that gathers round my increasingly lifeless body as they film my slow passing on their smartphones and somehow deem it appropriate to take selfies next to my corpse.'</div>
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'Wankers.'</div>

Fog Leads to General Relief That You Can't See London

The thick fog that has enveloped the UK today has lead over 8 million people to breathe a sigh of relief it has emerged. The inab...

Aliens: Oh F*ck, They've Found Us

International, News, Sci-Tech 12:09

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News has emerged that unknown megastructures that can only be made by intelligent beings are orbitting a distant star.</div>
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The structures, which may be comets but are probably huge space stations with artificial gravity, clean air and edible Spam, house a race of superintelligent alien beings.</div>
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We spoke to an alien who is a quantum plumber called Brian.</div>
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'Please go away. Don't come anywhere hear us. You are basically a rampant disease and I don't want some sort of weird alien creatures shagging my daughter. Because you will. I know you will. I've seen your porn. You'll shag, burn and blow up anything.'</div>
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'Just fuck off and take you weird, gooey sexual habits with you, you fucking weirdos.'</div>

Aliens: Oh F*ck, They've Found Us

News has emerged that unknown megastructures that can only be made by intelligent beings are orbitting a distant star. The struct...

Man Decides 50 inch TV Is Probably Better Than His Kids

International, News, Sci-Tech 13:52

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A man who has two children, aged 10 and 7, has decided he'd much rather have a 50 inch curved 4K telly instead.</div>
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Mike Lowry, 33 of Hemel Hempstead said 'Have you seen the detail in the picture on a 4K TV?'</div>
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'I could see Gary Linekar's nasal hair! It was amazing.'</div>
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'I see my kids nasal hair every day when I am wiping their snotty noses. But can they give insightful football analysis and dry witty commentary? No.'</div>
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'And then there is Die Hard. That bloke who gets kneecapped? The blood splatter is glorious in 4K. And Mr. Takagi's head being blown all over the glass door? You can almost feel the bits of brain!'</div>
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'My kids often blow all over the door. From their arses. With shitty diarrhoea. That I have to wipe up. Without fumigation gear.'</div>
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'Do Currys accept children as currency?'</div>

Man Decides 50 inch TV Is Probably Better Than His Kids

A man who has two children, aged 10 and 7, has decided he'd much rather have a 50 inch curved 4K telly instead. Mike Lowry, 3...

Women Never Wrong

Lifestyle, News, Sci-Tech 00:01

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The latest report from the best scientific research centres across the globe have revealed that women are never wrong it was announced today.</div>
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Professor Charles Langtree of The Felchfield Institute has released evidence collating all available research.</div>
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'At first I believed it wasn't that cut and dry' said Professor Langtree.</div>
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'Over 3000 research papers concluded that, on average, women are wrong roughly half the time and, logically, men are wrong roughly half the time.'</div>
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'It was when I was discussing this with my wife whilst washing the dishes I discovered all this research was wrong.'</div>
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'Apparently, I haven't been washing the underside of plates properly, I don't seperate out the recycling correctly and my bedmaking abilities are laughable.'</div>
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'After a 40 minute screaming diatribe and being forced to sit at my laptop to complete my research paper else I would never get sex again, it was my firm conclusion that women are always right, always, without question and I, along with all other men, are 'bastards'.'</div>

Women Never Wrong

The latest report from the best scientific research centres across the globe have revealed that women are never wrong it was announce...

Supermoon Ignored by SpiderSun and BatComet

International, News, Sci-Tech 02:09

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This morning's supermoon has been largely ignored by other superhero celestial objects it has emerged.</div>
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Supermoon, who stretched to his largest and reddest, has failed to impress his fellow special powered colleagues.</div>
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'Oooh, look at me, I'm slightly bigger and redder' said SpiderSun.</div>
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'So what? I fart and shoot out flames millions of miles long. Match that, so called supermoon'</div>
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'I can fluctuate my magnetic field and make those ants on the blue marble lose their shit when their iPhones stop working. It's hilarious, isn't it BatComet?'</div>
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BatComet seemed to be daydreaming and hadn't heard his name at this point.</div>
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'Pay attention you little bitch, or I'll melt your arse!' said SpiderSun<br />
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Supermoon Ignored by SpiderSun and BatComet

This morning's supermoon has been largely ignored by other superhero celestial objects it has emerged. Supermoon, who stretch...

Kids Refuse to Stop Being Sexy Says Paedophile

Lifestyle, News, Sci-Tech 09:41

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Paedophiles are to sue the world's children for being so damn sexy it has emerged.</div>
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Sir Peter Leahy-Hunt, former Conservative MP and child fancier said 'It's an intolerable situation to be in.'</div>
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'There they are, strutting around being all young and innocent and carefree. And you know they are shoving it in your face. They are being innocent and sweet on purpose.'</div>
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'They catch your eye and give you a little wink. My friend says that it's more a grimace, but I know he's wrong, the little teasers.'</div>
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'But I have to look and not touch. Well, if that's the way it is, I'm suing them. They are leading me on. They all are. They know exactly what they are doing.'</div>
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Since conducting this interview, Sir Peter has been arrested, signed all the registers and has been chemically castrated like the victim blaming nonce he is.</div>

Kids Refuse to Stop Being Sexy Says Paedophile

Paedophiles are to sue the world's children for being so damn sexy it has emerged. Sir Peter Leahy-Hunt, former Conservative ...

'Light' Replaced with 'Kwik Fit Fitter' as Universe's Fastest Thing

News, Sci-Tech, UK 09:22

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Footage has emerged from 1980s television which may change the way we look at the whole universe.</div>
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Going through old archive tapes, Professor Charles Langtree of The Felchfield Institute found an astonishing development.</div>
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'Light is not the fastest thing we know. Apparently, you can't get quicker than a Kwik Fit Fitter.'</div>
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'This throws into the air our whole view of the cosmos. Text books everywhere will have to be updated. The large hadron collider will have to be rebuilt to accomodate men running round it instead of protons.'</div>
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'And of course, E=MKFF2 now. Energy equals mass times Kwik Fit Fitter squared.'</div>
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'Pop culture will never be the same either. 'Kwik Fit Fitter My Fire' by The Doors doesn't work. And vampire and werewolf teen angst fest 'TwiKwik Fit Fitter' is a very different film.'</div>
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'But I can't wait to see Luke Skywalker kick ass with his Kwik Fit FitterSaber. Might be quite heavy though.'</div>

'Light' Replaced with 'Kwik Fit Fitter' as Universe's Fastest Thing

Footage has emerged from 1980s television which may change the way we look at the whole universe. Going through old archive tapes...

Hedge Fund Buys Lemsip & Lucozade and Raises Price to 3 Children

International, News, Sci-Tech 09:05

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A hedge fund has bought the rights to Lemsip and Lucozade and raised the price to extortionate levels it has been announced.</div>
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Ash Kennedy, a 27 year old American, has bought the popular cold and flu remedy and the orange bottled childhood cure all and says he needs to see a return on his investment.</div>
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'If you need a packet or bottle, you owe us three children. We will look after them and teach them new skills like building iPhones with their toes whilst sewing sportswear.'</div>
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'We will think of something they can be doing with their teetch also so they are truly productive.'</div>
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'Meanwhile, you can be safe in the knowledge that once their fingers are too big for the really fiddly bits, we will return your child and they will be fully formed and functioning members of our dronr workforce.'</div>
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<br /></div>
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'They won't remember who you are of course. That's beaten out of them in the first week along with self preservation, love and the need for companionship.'</div>
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<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'It's not cruel as some are saying. There is money to be made and superyachts to be bought.'</div>

Hedge Fund Buys Lemsip & Lucozade and Raises Price to 3 Children

A hedge fund has bought the rights to Lemsip and Lucozade and raised the price to extortionate levels it has been announced. Ash ...

VW to Shove Filter Tips and Rizlas in Exhaust Pipes

International, News, Sci-Tech 12:31

<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFKF8AN2IoWR3vio4wJEznhtHG15HxIpjkvayn-243xqzMnP4KdpOtWUrdJMjRuJch8EaTBhtUkjJ2-1-HG3PRbwB4MXhnhdUj_kd6ZCyNjj0QaPhtdMeMhi7XRXCfZc0s2Nube5DEE4PB/s1600/vw-us-boss-michael-horn.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFKF8AN2IoWR3vio4wJEznhtHG15HxIpjkvayn-243xqzMnP4KdpOtWUrdJMjRuJch8EaTBhtUkjJ2-1-HG3PRbwB4MXhnhdUj_kd6ZCyNjj0QaPhtdMeMhi7XRXCfZc0s2Nube5DEE4PB/s1600/vw-us-boss-michael-horn.jpg" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
As it emerges that Volkswagen cars have been falsifying their emissions data across America, the company is said to be scrambling for a solution.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
Hans Gertman, chief efficiency officer said 'We are looking into any and all solutions to this crisis'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'It is unlike our company to mislead people this way so we sill solve it'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'Otherwise I am to be shot at dawn and my family made to wear a VW sign pinned to their lapels.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'Looks like I'm going to have to go with the emergency plan of shoving filtertips, rizlas and sanitary towels in the exhaust pipe.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'I want to live!'</div>

VW to Shove Filter Tips and Rizlas in Exhaust Pipes

As it emerges that Volkswagen cars have been falsifying their emissions data across America, the company is said to be scrambling for...

Richard Dawkins Evolves Into Archbishop of Canterbury

News, Sci-Tech, UK 02:32

<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXZzUWl-acTIlIYVKZ6wzcyDDnUd9Yk6pWDpKrBn00bZIImuS2VBse7-sXdGQUpIxKv4yQbezmbrnpQ0FP_er28ZZt_bYMu3WKXm8__7eYHwP0blO7NTa3aZKPsmcQJL0fYGm2XJl7cn2V/s1600/richard-dawkins-010.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="179" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXZzUWl-acTIlIYVKZ6wzcyDDnUd9Yk6pWDpKrBn00bZIImuS2VBse7-sXdGQUpIxKv4yQbezmbrnpQ0FP_er28ZZt_bYMu3WKXm8__7eYHwP0blO7NTa3aZKPsmcQJL0fYGm2XJl7cn2V/s320/richard-dawkins-010.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
Zoologist and aetheist Richard Dawkins has completed his transition into the Most Reverend Richard Dawkins of Nairobi.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
Dawkins, whose recent criticism of an amateur 14 year old scientist, saw the light and repented his sins.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'I suddenly realised that my condemnation of this boy and my belief it was a conspiracy to make him famous were ridiculous.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'Plus, I'm a totally miserable bastard who sucks the joy out of everything. God told me I had to seek forgiveness.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
However, evolutionary biologist Professor Charles Langtree of the Felchfield Institute released an alternative explantion.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'Every biologist is sick of him ruining our name. So I spiked his tea with acid, put on white robes and a big fake beard and told him to, well, basically to stop being a twat.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'It seems to have worked. I think I will try it on my teenage son next.'</div>

Richard Dawkins Evolves Into Archbishop of Canterbury

Zoologist and aetheist Richard Dawkins has completed his transition into the Most Reverend Richard Dawkins of Nairobi. Dawkins, w...

Hipsters Riot at New iPhone Font

News, Sci-Tech 12:07

<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvHa_gUrO67EI424qXxqetGjKnpqYFuOHX-zvrRhKRdfIOPSdBz-zwfd_ubHHloP50nTzFJ61lj-bHMTb9mfVTFZXVqrMXFHto0wNnPuIgNtxwFpi97gdG2zAsxJN6uuwkmfUyH8hpmxd5/s1600/Screenshot_2015-09-19-11-47-41.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvHa_gUrO67EI424qXxqetGjKnpqYFuOHX-zvrRhKRdfIOPSdBz-zwfd_ubHHloP50nTzFJ61lj-bHMTb9mfVTFZXVqrMXFHto0wNnPuIgNtxwFpi97gdG2zAsxJN6uuwkmfUyH8hpmxd5/s1600/Screenshot_2015-09-19-11-47-41.jpg" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
Hoardes of hipsters have marched through London's most up and coming boroughs today in protest at the new iPhone font.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
After the latest software update, the font is being described as 'safe', 'predicatable' and 'a font.'</div>
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<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
Twelve independent coffee shops closed as their entire staff grabbed organic wheat free baguettes and started waving them menacingly.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'I will not take it any more!' said Miles Johnson-Lowe.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'I am not part of the crowd. I am unique and deserve to be treated as unique like all my iPhone owning friends.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'My deeply unfashionable beard, sported solely by me and possibly a million other hipsters, bristles with fury at how much this font fits in.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'It's so painfully common. It's like Arial or Calibri.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'I much prefer instead to use Times New Roman ironically. It is so passé yet embodies a transient time when youth knew no better.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
A passerby who overheard Mr. Johnson-Lowe commented 'Gobshite.'</div>

Hipsters Riot at New iPhone Font

Hoardes of hipsters have marched through London's most up and coming boroughs today in protest at the new iPhone font. After ...

Muslim Kids Denied Calculators Over Safety Concerns

News, Sci-Tech 09:28

<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZZe1vuFZMR478TH9tUZK24vOHvkfeHQrHhSVAZnLCCe1X2djecOncaabd066ihhNOOwvG35IENuUrVdpfRBzFz4NSSHEIG5RyQC-8W6SMBvsQA9tY1GdjFBt8Jxb0OoaykpRHD3D3zLtZ/s1600/KNXV+Ahmed+Mohamed+2_1442421246659_24058401_ver1.0_640_480.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZZe1vuFZMR478TH9tUZK24vOHvkfeHQrHhSVAZnLCCe1X2djecOncaabd066ihhNOOwvG35IENuUrVdpfRBzFz4NSSHEIG5RyQC-8W6SMBvsQA9tY1GdjFBt8Jxb0OoaykpRHD3D3zLtZ/s1600/KNXV+Ahmed+Mohamed+2_1442421246659_24058401_ver1.0_640_480.jpg" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
After Ahmed Mohamed built a digital clock and circuit board from scratch and carried it to school inside a briefcase for safe keeping, all muslim children will be banned access to eletronics it has been announced.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
Described as a safety precaution, head of Texas state police, Geoff Smith, said 'We have to protect our citizens.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'It is dangerous to carry around something that looks vaguely like a movie bomb. Our teacher acted appropriately.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
But how about a better educated teacher who isn't so moronic? And Ahmed is one of your citizens.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'Our teachers are the finest, god fearing, bible believing, evolution denying educators in the world. And yes, Ahmed is technically a citizen. But you know what I mean. The proper citizens. The ones originally from England who escaped persecution. Those sort.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
Oh, the one's whose religious beliefs actually encouraged the persecution of others and were told by the English authorities that that was wrong and they couldn't persecute people?</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'Yes, perhaps, escaping persecution or looking for the freedom to persecute. Potato, potato.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
'The point is, just give the Muslim kids an abacus and filofax each. They can cope with them.'</div>

Muslim Kids Denied Calculators Over Safety Concerns

After Ahmed Mohamed built a digital clock and circuit board from scratch and carried it to school inside a briefcase for safe keeping...

Katie Hopkins Begins Salivating Over 'Dislike' Button

News, Sci-Tech 09:00

<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5yBU_s7eIOpau4m2HZlu8imEPTlZ0KYTjW0UxuQx_fqfInxxXkinPmrteWG5ebvUEk6Fj7gO7clwnzr2P-LfcQux-w10etxZb-hOrsSxwCiMF0204KwFSgVZn9V6zLKQmmogBSYz42mIQ/s1600/katie-hopkins-8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5yBU_s7eIOpau4m2HZlu8imEPTlZ0KYTjW0UxuQx_fqfInxxXkinPmrteWG5ebvUEk6Fj7gO7clwnzr2P-LfcQux-w10etxZb-hOrsSxwCiMF0204KwFSgVZn9V6zLKQmmogBSYz42mIQ/s1600/katie-hopkins-8.jpg" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
Serial hate preacher Katie Hopkins has said the new 'Dislike' button on Facebook does not go far enough it has been reported.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
Speaking from beside her cauldron, Hopkins said 'I am ecstatic at this development.'</div>
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<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'Any new way to express my displeasure with the world is to be commended. But I fear it doesn't go far enough.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'Where is the 'You filthy immigrant' button? The 'You disgusting poor person' button? Or the 'Why isn't your skin white?' button.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'Maybe Facebook's creator Mark Zuckerberg likes such people. Where's that 'You dirty Jew' button?!?</div>

Katie Hopkins Begins Salivating Over 'Dislike' Button

Serial hate preacher Katie Hopkins has said the new 'Dislike' button on Facebook does not go far enough it has been reported....

New Semester Tech Tips from 1995

International, News, Sci-Tech 09:28

<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBD3lq4OEHTS-cwF7cOcWwdGvLHNb8xk2NOaL7T3XY8C9kD8L1D1qgbRrUjliRprT__A52lqMhOAxLkEbllsSBMF7_1OL0yTvqGEvpAXpPPbTH5i3uMqMJvZv4nddTNqlyYix9ac6vqcss/s1600/3006717-poster-488763102a2f2cb84c3b.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBD3lq4OEHTS-cwF7cOcWwdGvLHNb8xk2NOaL7T3XY8C9kD8L1D1qgbRrUjliRprT__A52lqMhOAxLkEbllsSBMF7_1OL0yTvqGEvpAXpPPbTH5i3uMqMJvZv4nddTNqlyYix9ac6vqcss/s1600/3006717-poster-488763102a2f2cb84c3b.jpg" /></a></div>
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As students begin a new semester as university and attend armed with the latest tablets, smart phones and wearables, we look back at the top 5 tech tips for students in 1995.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
1) Start your Information Super highway Journey.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Once you have been assigned your details to allow you to use the university's computers (called a 'Login' and 'Password') double click the 'Netscape Navigator' Icon. This will give you access to the internet and the World Wide Web. Here you will find information, personal stories, news and pornography. Lots of pornography.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
2) Use the Computer Rooms between the hours of 2am and 5am</div>
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<br /></div>
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The jpeg, tif and gif pictures you will be wanting to see can take over an hour to load. They will appear on the screen one line at a time so in order to have a wank, go when it's quiet.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
3) Search, Search, Search!</div>
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<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
To find your favourite type of pornography, you will need to use a search engine. The best options are Alta Vista, Lycos and Excite. Type in whatever you are looking for, safe in the knowledge you these search engines will return a relevant answer about 8% of the time and then curse that you have to wait 4 years for someone to invent Google.</div>
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<br /></div>
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4) Save, Save, Save!</div>
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<br /></div>
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You university will have granted you some shared network drive space, usually a massive 10 megabytes, or the equivalent of about 7 floppy disks. Here you can save over 30 pictures you have downloaded so you don't have to download them again. That's right, 30. 30! Wow!</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
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5) Delete, Delete, Delete!</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
All those pictures of Samantha Fox and Lindsey Dawn Mckenzie as 16 year old page 3 girls? Something tells us in the next few years that they will become very illegal and likely to lead to you signing some kind of horrific register. Delete them. Delete them now!</div>

New Semester Tech Tips from 1995

As students begin a new semester as university and attend armed with the latest tablets, smart phones and wearables, we look back at ...

Alzheimer's Disease Might be Spread By Erm, Oh, Erm, No, It's Gone'

Health, News, Sci-Tech 08:50

<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5piQHc-LwFc-3QRakIQFWOmAwC-5ypyhq3_eCqklCeEC2RsfqAot4plKJI8P_aruVW50-1j4jkrEDao0gGHkWEscoAyY2eKs9oDqS9qfQ4a9PRvwX2wRgw-VkTAkcezGeZvL5XgxhDK4o/s1600/John+Findlay+with+Alison+Milne.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5piQHc-LwFc-3QRakIQFWOmAwC-5ypyhq3_eCqklCeEC2RsfqAot4plKJI8P_aruVW50-1j4jkrEDao0gGHkWEscoAyY2eKs9oDqS9qfQ4a9PRvwX2wRgw-VkTAkcezGeZvL5XgxhDK4o/s1600/John+Findlay+with+Alison+Milne.jpg"></a></div>
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<br></div>
<div dir="ltr">
New research has indicated that there may be further ways of contracting Alzheimer's disease it has been announced.</div>
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<br></div>
<div dir="ltr">
Professor Charles Langtree of The Felchfield Institute said 'My work has shown that it is not just a genetic anomaly that occurs in old age.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'It may be acquired when a surgeon, erm, when a surgeon does something.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'When the surgeon has done the thing it may be easier to develop, erm, thingymybob, you know, thingy disease.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'We need more er drugs, more work, more, er yeah, er stuff. Er. Who are you? Why are you in my house? Why has my house got lab equipment in it?!?'</div>

Alzheimer's Disease Might be Spread By Erm, Oh, Erm, No, It's Gone'

New research has indicated that there may be further ways of contracting Alzheimer's disease it has been announced. Professor...

Apple release iOrange, Only Available at iGrocers

News, Sci-Tech 08:45

<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBUyjh-KhaihCl02RUAYM-fbj7BvYitFcVVPJt35aSCbFSesD0Urxxqa1FarjOQcY0sSCEwV4Clxujqr6EijM1PwpqOH6b96bo0c_xhQspkq-wpie7tKQe2iYPTPXyd9OSTk_BMYCSVUBv/s1600/KRLMkuaBjm5mKDDP.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBUyjh-KhaihCl02RUAYM-fbj7BvYitFcVVPJt35aSCbFSesD0Urxxqa1FarjOQcY0sSCEwV4Clxujqr6EijM1PwpqOH6b96bo0c_xhQspkq-wpie7tKQe2iYPTPXyd9OSTk_BMYCSVUBv/s1600/KRLMkuaBjm5mKDDP.jpg"></a></div>
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<br></div>
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After Apple yesterday announced their newest version of the iPhone, the global leading tech company has announced further products today.</div>
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<br></div>
<div dir="ltr">
Stepping out of their comfort zone and into food retailing, the iOrange is the first piece of Apple branded fruit available for consumers to buy.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br></div>
<div dir="ltr">
Tech journalist John Burke said 'This is an astonishing piece of kit.'</div>
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<br></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'It is a spherical Vitamin C delivery device with unique Apple features. Firstly, you can only buy it from iGrocers for £20 per iOrange.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'If you wish to store it, it will rot instantly unless you purchase the Apple iFruitbowl for only £70.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'Eating it is easy. Simply remove the skin, making sure to use the Apple iPeeler, or else the iOrange will explode in your face, available for only £30.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'Then, just eat in manageable chunks and enjoy it. But please don't drop it. Dropping it will make the skin disintegrate from the slightest impact and a new Apple authorised skin replacement and fitting will cost £25, only slightly more than the original iOrange.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'Also, once consumed, please ensure you eat at least three further iOranges per week else you will suffer from iScurvy within 3 days.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'Apple would like to point out that, in no way is the iOrange designed to addict it's consumers and make the body fall apart unless further iOranges are consumed.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'All in all, another winner from Apple that I can't wait to demonstrate publicly that I can afford to buy.'</div>

Apple release iOrange, Only Available at iGrocers

After Apple yesterday announced their newest version of the iPhone, the global leading tech company has announced further products to...

Morse Code Chess Cheat Crowned Worlds Biggest Nerd

News, Sci-Tech, Sport 09:28

<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-U3ODyFcqBOYSbWMcQDex5DJ6nezrXI08q6yuZtb66VNiyjZfbK5kayNrnTivRREoqRyAHT_5CLQheA5BuDlZb0A9PTBIHFWQEd7jrwMJ9sOmD8zUmPZ7Ctsmbjtb0uQ8jiy2FSGG-fj5/s1600/_85424534_85424220.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-U3ODyFcqBOYSbWMcQDex5DJ6nezrXI08q6yuZtb66VNiyjZfbK5kayNrnTivRREoqRyAHT_5CLQheA5BuDlZb0A9PTBIHFWQEd7jrwMJ9sOmD8zUmPZ7Ctsmbjtb0uQ8jiy2FSGG-fj5/s1600/_85424534_85424220.jpg" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
An Italian man who was caught cheating at an international chess tournament using a morse code device hidden under his clothes has been crowned King of the Nerds it has been announced.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
Previous monarch, Professor Brian Cox, said 'There aren't many people I woukd give this crown up to, but Arcangelo Ricciardi is one of them.'</div>
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<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'I may have been a keyboard player who went on to be a theoretical physicist but this is a whole order of nerdiness above that.'</div>
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<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'Had he been wearing a mediaevel kings outfit with wooden sword and a bunch of virgin mates dressed ready to take part in a mock fight he would havr become Universe Emperor of the Nerds.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'But as it happens, sitting there holding a morse code device under your armpit in jizz stained half mast corduroy trousers only gets you King I am afraid.'</div>

Morse Code Chess Cheat Crowned Worlds Biggest Nerd

An Italian man who was caught cheating at an international chess tournament using a morse code device hidden under his clothes has be...

Secret Google Jobs Appear After 'Why Are You Stealing All My Data?' Search

Business, News, Sci-Tech 02:37

<div style="text-align: center; padding: 5px;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihk6vaVoKFEDeMwEu4fzN8YCED_QxbpzxAaKYIp6QPdDMGaFVh1OqIMnmHP9lrFN33Aoq72HJ5YOL5LAR-aBH69Tw4TTWdkC6r-rwIDKWve2kV6ANIhpdol7wzzL-idjjurbogp5EeUYOY/"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihk6vaVoKFEDeMwEu4fzN8YCED_QxbpzxAaKYIp6QPdDMGaFVh1OqIMnmHP9lrFN33Aoq72HJ5YOL5LAR-aBH69Tw4TTWdkC6r-rwIDKWve2kV6ANIhpdol7wzzL-idjjurbogp5EeUYOY/ cursor: pointer;" style="border: 1px solid; border-radius: 2px;padding: 5px; max-width: 320px " width="320px" /></a></div><div class="blogaway-section"><p>After it emerged a man won a contract to work at Google after typing in a complex programming problem into the search engine, recruitment for other jobs have emerged from other searches.<br/>
<br/>A PR guru to deflect attention away from Google's privacy issues can be applied for when searching 'Why are you stealing all my data?'<br/>
<br/>'Rather than providing an answer we find it is better to control the narrative, and by that I mean person, asking the question' said head of Google recruitment Pierre LaFoun.<br/>
<br/>'We ask the person to work for us and we pay them a large salary. And it is their job to find others to recruit who are asking similar questions.'<br/>
<br/>'Think of it as a Pyramid Scheme of privacy issue avoidance. And if you have any more questions, here's $50,000'</p></div><br/>

Secret Google Jobs Appear After 'Why Are You Stealing All My Data?' Search

After it emerged a man won a contract to work at Google after typing in a complex programming problem into the search engine, recruitment fo...