The Morning Gerald: Health

'Netflix & Chill' Overtaken by 'Amazon Prime & Self-Abuse'

Entertainment, Health, Lifestyle, News 13:24

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The popular phrase 'Netflix & Chill' meaning come over for casual sex, has been overtaken in these lonely times it has been announced.</div>
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The inherent cool of Netflix is far too life affirming and zeitgeisty for how most people feel about their lives.</div>
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'I just wish I knew someone I could 'chill' with' said trainee accountant Ash Kennedy.</div>
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'I can't afford Netflix, so once every six months, when Amazon hassles me to try Prime free for a month in the hope they can drain both me and my country of what little resources we have left, I take up the offer and watch their completely inferior service.'</div>
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'After they have drained me of all hope and money all I have left is to masturbate furiously in a pit of sorrow and despair.'</div>
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'So they drain me of my seed too. Welcome to Britain!'</div>

'Netflix & Chill' Overtaken by 'Amazon Prime & Self-Abuse'

The popular phrase 'Netflix & Chill' meaning come over for casual sex, has been overtaken in these lonely times it has be...

Doner Kebabs Spared WHO Carcinogen List: 'They Are Meat Free'

Health, International, News 12:03

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Donner Kebabs, Kofte and burgers sold in Kebab shops have all escaped the World Health Organisations meat carcinogen list it has been revealed.</div>
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Speaking from UN headquarters in New York, Professor Charles Langtree of The Felchfield Institute said 'My fellow Britons will rejoice at this news.'</div>
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'Fortunately such fast food products dont have any actual meat in them.'</div>
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'Rumour has it 'Efes Kebabs' in Clacton briefly had a small amount of pidgeon in its donner kebabs but that can't be substantiated.'</div>
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'Of course we haven't tested the main ingredients of such food stuffs, namely rubber, old tennis balls, silicone sealant and dust for their carcinogenic properties. I'm guessing they aren't great.'</div>
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'And then of course there is the main ingredient of fast food meat, mashed up cancer. Might be a bit bad for you. We'll run some tests.'</div>

Doner Kebabs Spared WHO Carcinogen List: 'They Are Meat Free'

Donner Kebabs, Kofte and burgers sold in Kebab shops have all escaped the World Health Organisations meat carcinogen list it has been...

No Bra Day Embraced by Men Everywhere

Health, International, News 09:10

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International No Bra Day, in which bras are removed to support breast cancer awareness, is being embraced by the world's men it has been revealed.</div>
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Ash Kennedy, and accountant from Coventry said 'I have long been a supporter of breast cancer awareness. Letting the bosom free is actually beneficial to a woman's health.'</div>
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'It's even more beneficial if the woman chooses not to put any clothes over the top of the freed breasts. The air circulating is very good for them.'</div>
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'And allowing me to massage them, to check for lumps you understand, is also an essential part of No Bra Day.'</div>
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'And finally letting me jizz all over them. Because it is beneficial in a number of ways, chief amongst them being, I like to come on tits.'</div>
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'Who thinks up these things? I assume men. Because we care so much about the health of women.'</div>
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'I'm going to set up 'Rub Your Pussy In Public' day. For cervical cancer awareness, obviously.'</div>

No Bra Day Embraced by Men Everywhere

International No Bra Day, in which bras are removed to support breast cancer awareness, is being embraced by the world's men it h...

Ebola Confirms Scottish Nurses Are Its Favourite Infectee

Health, News, UK 12:16

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The deadly, contagious virus Ebola has stated that of all the people it has infected, its favourite is without doubt female Scottish nurses.</div>
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'I had so much fun last time!' said Ebola from inside a Scottish nurse.</div>
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'I got to go on a plane and see a lovely hospital. Then I got my head down, hid for a while and got to see beautiful Scotland. But I was was getting really lonely inside her.'</div>
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'So I'm back. Surprise! Oooh, London again. This is fun!'</div>
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'Can we go to Buckingham Palace this time? And the Tower of London. And Parliament.'</div>
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'Please, please, please?'</div>

Ebola Confirms Scottish Nurses Are Its Favourite Infectee

The deadly, contagious virus Ebola has stated that of all the people it has infected, its favourite is without doubt female Scottish ...

Role Playing Teen Absolutely and Totally Guaranteed a Girlfriend

Health, Lifestyle, News 22:02

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A teenage boy has taken up live action role playing in the hope of coming out of his shell and meeting girls it has emerged.</div>
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Ash Kennedy, 15, from Barrow, has joined the Heroes & Slayers group to widen his social skills.</div>
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'I struggle to talk to girls so I thought the best way to go about it is through role play. That way, I can be a character when I talk to them and we can have fun hitting each other with wooden swords. I think I am guaranteed to pull!'</div>
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We caught up with Ash after his first LARP</div>
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'It wasn't quite what I expected. It seems lots of people had the same idea I had. In fact all of them did. Some of them have been doing it for over 30 years and have still not had any success. Or seen a girl. Ever.'</div>
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'Still, I got to stare at their mums when they came to pick them up, so that was good.'</div>

Role Playing Teen Absolutely and Totally Guaranteed a Girlfriend

A teenage boy has taken up live action role playing in the hope of coming out of his shell and meeting girls it has emerged. Ash ...

Woman Shocked After Doctor Tells her To Make Second Appointment for 36 Problems

Health, News, UK 22:00

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A woman from Liverpool has said she is shocked and stunned for not being allowed to discuss more than 40 problems in one doctor's appointment it has been announced.</div>
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Beth Welsh was discussing the problem in public with friends on Facebook.</div>
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'I'm appalled I can't have all 76 of my complaints dealt with in one appointment.' she wrote.</div>
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'I had a to wait a whole day for that appointment. I have many problems I have not discussed with the doctor since last week and apparently I can only discuss 40 per appointment because 'it's unreasonable to be in the surgery for more than 3 hours in one go'.</div>
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'The receptionist said something about other patient's needs but who cares about them? What about me? And me? And then of course there is me. Me, me, me!'</div>

Woman Shocked After Doctor Tells her To Make Second Appointment for 36 Problems

A woman from Liverpool has said she is shocked and stunned for not being allowed to discuss more than 40 problems in one doctor's...

McDonalds Meal Choice Should Be Made in Queue

Health, Lifestyle, News 02:14

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Spending time in a queue in a fast food restaurant must be used tomake your meal choice it has been announced.</div>
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Greg Hundt, a cleaner from Hull, said 'I'd been in the Maccies queue for 12 minutes behind a couple of teenage girls chatting about Justin Direction or One Bieber or something.'</div>
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'I could feel the sense of dread rising up my body as we got closer to the front of the queue. And then, of course, it happened.'</div>
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'They got to the front and then started looking at the menu and having a protracted conversation ovet just what to have.'</div>
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'I'm going to say this once and very clearly. SPEND THE 12 MINUTES DECIDING WHAT YOU WANT, TWATS! I'M FUCKING STARVING!!!'</div>

McDonalds Meal Choice Should Be Made in Queue

Spending time in a queue in a fast food restaurant must be used tomake your meal choice it has been announced. Greg Hundt, a clea...

Lidl's Mini-Stollens Back in Stock Leads to Huge Bankruptcy Spike

Business, Health, News 02:05

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Lidl have introduced their Christmas range already but have caused a huge spike in the number of bankruptcies it has been announced.</div>
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Ash Kennedy, an accountant from Penge, has been given a week until bailiffs take his Audi TT.</div>
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'My comfortable existence is under threat and it is all Lidl's fault. Their mini-stollens are basically crack cocaine.'</div>
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'I bought my first packet and had finished them before getting back to the car. So I just went back and got more. Over and over and over again.'</div>
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'I have been crumbling them up and snorting them, smoking them, shoving them up my arse. I even tried to mainline them, but they're a bit too viscous.'</div>
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'But my life is falling apart. My wife has left. The kids are gone. The only thing to do is eat stollen methadone. Aldi Stollen. They're, well, they're......... They're shite!'</div>

Lidl's Mini-Stollens Back in Stock Leads to Huge Bankruptcy Spike

Lidl have introduced their Christmas range already but have caused a huge spike in the number of bankruptcies it has been announced. ...

Entire Pub Collectively Groan As Live Band Starts Playing

Health, Lifestyle, News 11:51

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Pub landlords and managers everywhere are yet to realise people just want to get quietly drunk with piped background music it has emerged.</div>
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Innocuous poo hits played through the speaker system at a low volume is all that is required to help the journey to unconciousness.</div>
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The customers at the Red Bell in Hull have suffered, as an unexpected live band strikes up.</div>
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'I was well on my way to bliss when an unholy dirge blasted in my direction' said Ash Kennedy.</div>
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'There was a collective groan from the whole pub as 'The Stray Blues', four fiftysomething musicians who are convinced they are going to make it and are software developers 'until we hit big' starting murdering cover versions.'</div>
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'It was at this point that most patrons committed suicide. Stop playing shite and let us get cunted in peace!'</div>

Entire Pub Collectively Groan As Live Band Starts Playing

Pub landlords and managers everywhere are yet to realise people just want to get quietly drunk with piped background music it has eme...

'Don't Drink Molten Lava!' Warning After Liquid Nitrogen Injury

Health, News, UK 09:11

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Revellers this weekend are to be warned from drinking liquids that have no place in the human body it has been announced.<br />
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Professor Charles Langtree of The Felchfield Institute said 'After a woman has been permanently injured from drinking liquid nitrogen it is imperative people follow these guidelines.'<br />
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He continued 'Do not drink molten lava. It is really quite hot and may set you on fire from the inside.'<br />
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'The same is true of burning petrol. Do not swallow bleach. This will eat through your guts and you will die slowly and in agony.'<br />
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'Also, you must not drink superglue. You have no idea what it will do to your pleasure bits.'<br />
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We asked the Professor if there were any other liquids that should not be consumed.<br />
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'Well yes. Thousands. Oh you know what, fuck it. If you are moronic enough to put this shit in your mouth, we don't need your genes any more. Die a slow, horrible death, you pissing halfwit.'

'Don't Drink Molten Lava!' Warning After Liquid Nitrogen Injury

Revellers this weekend are to be warned from drinking liquids that have no place in the human body it has been announced. Professor ...

Family Use Food Bank After 37 Guilt Trip Direct Debits Leave Account

Health, Lifestyle, News, UK 08:57

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A family in Devon has started using a food bank after having their account cleared out by charities it has been announced.<br />
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Geoff Tramel, a chinchilla farmer, has signed up for 37 different charity direct debits leaving his account empty.<br />
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'I always feel so guilty' said Mr. Tramel.<br />
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'All the poor children and the old people and the epidemics. I have to help. I can't stop myself.'<br />
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I had a call only yesterday from an old woman who desperately needs a second mobility scooter for her door knocking to collect money for her self-funding charity. The poor old dear.'<br />
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'Though my wife says I'm a gullible twat who should grow a pair of hairy bollocks. It sounds rather harsh I feel.'

Family Use Food Bank After 37 Guilt Trip Direct Debits Leave Account

A family in Devon has started using a food bank after having their account cleared out by charities it has been announced. Geoff Trame...

EU Judges Put Two Kit Kat Fingers Up to Nestle

Health, News, UK 09:21

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Nestlé, maker of the Yummy Chocolate Things and the Make African Women Dependant On Powdered Milk Things have lost their latest battle with the EU it was announced.</div>
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Trying to patent the four finger shape of a Kit Kat, Nestlé have been flicked the Vs by EU judges.</div>
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'They didn't invent four fingers' said EU judge Hans Moser.</div>
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'That has invented thousands of years ago by 'Fingerbang Finnegan', the notorious masturbator of women.'</div>
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'He revolutionised wanking with the four finger flange fap. What a legend.'</div>
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'So unless Nestlé come up with something as revolutionary as that, they can go back to killing Africans for profits like the twats they are.'</div>

EU Judges Put Two Kit Kat Fingers Up to Nestle

Nestlé, maker of the Yummy Chocolate Things and the Make African Women Dependant On Powdered Milk Things have lost their latest battl...

Insomnia 'Really Tiresome'

Health, News 09:26

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People's inability to sleep because their minds are racing has been described as frustrating, draining and likely to induce sleep it has been announced.</div>
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Long term sufferer, Mike Gundt, spoke of how he was affected by the terrible affliction.</div>
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'At night, thinking about it constantly can get boring very quickly. It's not the most rivetting subject to discuss.'</div>
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'It's all very tedious and tiresome. I am filled with worry over the lack of sleep I get. It's exhausting.</div>
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'Often, I find myself nodding off and have to catch myself and wake myself up. How am I supposed to spend all my time worrying about my insomnia if I keep falling asleep?'</div>

Insomnia 'Really Tiresome'

People's inability to sleep because their minds are racing has been described as frustrating, draining and likely to induce sleep...

Alzheimer's Disease Might be Spread By Erm, Oh, Erm, No, It's Gone'

Health, News, Sci-Tech 08:50

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New research has indicated that there may be further ways of contracting Alzheimer's disease it has been announced.</div>
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Professor Charles Langtree of The Felchfield Institute said 'My work has shown that it is not just a genetic anomaly that occurs in old age.'</div>
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'It may be acquired when a surgeon, erm, when a surgeon does something.'</div>
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'When the surgeon has done the thing it may be easier to develop, erm, thingymybob, you know, thingy disease.'</div>
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'We need more er drugs, more work, more, er yeah, er stuff. Er. Who are you? Why are you in my house? Why has my house got lab equipment in it?!?'</div>

Alzheimer's Disease Might be Spread By Erm, Oh, Erm, No, It's Gone'

New research has indicated that there may be further ways of contracting Alzheimer's disease it has been announced. Professor...

Sue Perkins Uses Brain Tumour To Blot Out Paul Hollywood

Entertainment, Health, News 08:50

<div style="text-align: center; padding: 5px;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyrNGRfN9G4MbEN8h3PpYv0PXbgPIHsZvwiJHNcp04dfl_2NUQm8Lepo_pazSNQsyuGAZc4xJW-j4A3cuAmlMy2PSvK02PiqyY3pTUT3LSljhy7zPWOZTcFzw52fEt5KebETD-FHRkYlG3/"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyrNGRfN9G4MbEN8h3PpYv0PXbgPIHsZvwiJHNcp04dfl_2NUQm8Lepo_pazSNQsyuGAZc4xJW-j4A3cuAmlMy2PSvK02PiqyY3pTUT3LSljhy7zPWOZTcFzw52fEt5KebETD-FHRkYlG3/ cursor: pointer;" style="border: 1px solid; border-radius: 2px;padding: 5px; max-width: 320px " width="320px" /></a></div><div class="blogaway-section"><p>Sue Perkins has announced she is glad she has an innoperable brain tumour it was announced.<br/>
<br/>The benign tumour means she can create memories selectively and completelt forget whatever she wishes.<br/>
<br/>'It's a boon in the jon when you spend so much time around such an insufferable tit as Paul Hollywood' said Perkins.<br/>
<br/>'If he stands there listening to a baker spill their guts, and he just shakes his head and walks off, once more I may kill him. So it's best if I forget such memories'<br/>
<br/>'And his face which looks like a ball of twice risen dough fucked a badger is so punchable I fear for my job sometimes.'<br/>
<br/>'So deleting this hatred and starting each day afresh for me to rebuild my condemnation from the start is really useful.'<br/>
<br/>'I don't know how Mel copes. Cocaine is the rumour.'</p></div><br/>

Sue Perkins Uses Brain Tumour To Blot Out Paul Hollywood

Sue Perkins has announced she is glad she has an innoperable brain tumour it was announced. The benign tumour means she can create memories...

Tee Totallers Point and Laugh at Dryathletes

Health, Lifestyle, News, UK 08:00

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<img height="259" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2AYupp4UpViePlEzNydVbZUpkTWQ_vTgRjOnzLAUnZvmD_ND2RWn_IP_0I_0s9lWIRSY9kF0G4s07OWCIDXFDTEDXCUn_bPj6zLymfR74Jw_2uoRCb3WEG80XKADhOdYVxWISu9kvCRPS/ cursor: pointer;" width="320"><br>
<br>The four Britons who don't have a borderline emotional and chemical dependency on alcohol have been laughing at the efforts of Dryatheletes it has been revealed.<br>
<br>Of those taking part in the event in aid of Cancer research, which started yesterday, 84% have already had at least 6 pints since starting work this morning.<br>
<br>'Living and working in Britain is a torrid, joyless affair that is sustainable only through the use of recreational drugs and booze' said Ash Kennedy, failed Dryathlete.<br>
<br>But Colin Miles was deeply unsympathetic to such failures.<br>
<br>'It's slightly pathetic how dependent on booze we are as a nation. I can get through weeks without touching a drop'<br>
<br>But how we wondered?<br>
<br>'Oh, I'm on extremely strong antidepressants. My parents died yesterday and I haven't stopped smiling. I have cancer too. And it's so much fun!'</div>
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Tee Totallers Point and Laugh at Dryathletes

The four Britons who don't have a borderline emotional and chemical dependency on alcohol have been laughing at the efforts of Dryathe...

Barbecue Firelighters to be Made From DNA of Ginger People

Health, Lifestyle, News 12:15

<div style="text-align: center; padding: 5px;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgko9-kCusx7PdiIHQTKehdu1-ex2YAAZOhXzTxiLAtzb2wvvlA0fIp46LDNR7wruxS0dGTsqjduxZxnxkoDzK8JMeXY0hUCWYkrXHouwXZ8jNNxTF5ZlZGg12zgIxpNLEl6nu7xxQHKY2Q/"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgko9-kCusx7PdiIHQTKehdu1-ex2YAAZOhXzTxiLAtzb2wvvlA0fIp46LDNR7wruxS0dGTsqjduxZxnxkoDzK8JMeXY0hUCWYkrXHouwXZ8jNNxTF5ZlZGg12zgIxpNLEl6nu7xxQHKY2Q/ cursor: pointer;" style="border: 1px solid; border-radius: 2px;padding: 5px; max-width: 320px " width="320px" /></a></div><div class="blogaway-section"><p>A new, hyper-combustible material is to be used for lifhting barbecues it was rebealed today.<br/>
<br/>New firelighters have been developed using the DNA of ginger people.<br/>
<br/>'Gingers basically spontaneously combust in sunlight and so using big lumps of their DNA is an ideal way to start a fire' said Professor Charles Langtree of The Felchfield Institute.<br/>
<br/>'We make sure they are well wrapped in thick cardboard. Them the second ant sunlight hits them they burst into a fiery inferno, much like the gingers.'<br/>
<br/>'Redheads often feel discrimated against but this is a way for them to become fully functional members of society and make some money in the process. It's a win win situation.'</p></div><br/>

Barbecue Firelighters to be Made From DNA of Ginger People

A new, hyper-combustible material is to be used for lifhting barbecues it was rebealed today. New firelighters have been developed using th...

New Laser Brain Cancer Surgery 'Just Vaporises Head'

Health, News, Sci-Tech 09:07

<div style="text-align: center; padding: 5px;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgh2-Gh8B4JF_dcCHUbKYk6nWSgNFG4v91Twz72sA16RQKpJklc-aa62XHo0yeWbVZoh0rBuLGOym3yDM3nwDIc0VShdYM_q7b4nYxvR8hL9Zaq7c7qx6o8JRW_PK0dxxHzmx37vKw97ucw/"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgh2-Gh8B4JF_dcCHUbKYk6nWSgNFG4v91Twz72sA16RQKpJklc-aa62XHo0yeWbVZoh0rBuLGOym3yDM3nwDIc0VShdYM_q7b4nYxvR8hL9Zaq7c7qx6o8JRW_PK0dxxHzmx37vKw97ucw/ cursor: pointer;" style="border: 1px solid; border-radius: 2px;padding: 5px; max-width: 320px " width="320px" /></a></div><div class="blogaway-section"><p>A revolutionary new brain surgery using lasers has been developed it was announced today.<br/>
<br/>Used to treat brain cancers, some have described the treatment as too radical.<br/>
<br/>'I can guarantee nobody will die of brain cancer ever again' said Professor Charles Langtree of The Felchfield Institute.<br/>
<br/>'This laser method radically changes the physical state of the supra-neck region from a collection of various density solids and liquids of varying viscosities into a gas.'<br/>
<br/>What does this mean in simple terms?<br/>
<br/>'We blow their head off. We vaporise it. Blow the fucker to kingdom come. Nobody will ever die of brain cancer ever again.'<br/>
<br/>'No, just the horrific head explosion. That might niggle a little for a while and may, in a small minority of 100% of cases result in actual, as it were, death.'</p></div><br/>

New Laser Brain Cancer Surgery 'Just Vaporises Head'

A revolutionary new brain surgery using lasers has been developed it was announced today. Used to treat brain cancers, some have described ...

Anarchist Gardener Cultivates Weeds 'To P*ss off Allotment Fascists'

Health, Lifestyle, News 09:00

<div style="text-align: center; padding: 5px;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIkh3qA1upUwIUMV4KsyZqArECS9_s5lVXpXuGArTSsZF4WhcFeeidk7RxKT4_uRdlJx01GYT50CjUBDjC48Fre9mGmR8BbWRk0GA_XNUJwvBBenX01tNxJ_5mslipxcvGfqST7UDTd3lb/"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIkh3qA1upUwIUMV4KsyZqArECS9_s5lVXpXuGArTSsZF4WhcFeeidk7RxKT4_uRdlJx01GYT50CjUBDjC48Fre9mGmR8BbWRk0GA_XNUJwvBBenX01tNxJ_5mslipxcvGfqST7UDTd3lb/ cursor: pointer;" style="border: 1px solid; border-radius: 2px;padding: 5px; max-width: 320px " width="320px"></a></div><div class="blogaway-section"><p>Allotment Secretaries, the holder of the keys to the green and fertile land and all powerful lords of legumes, are being frustrated by anarchist allotment renters.<br>
<br>'It took me 3 years to get hold of this allotment. They are all rented by rich old women who live in detached houses and can afford food whilst I would like to grow food for my starving family' said Ash Kennedy.<br>
<br>'Because I also have to work long hours to support my clan, I cant spend the required 23 hours and 52 minutes per day on the allotment.'<br>
<br>'The secretary, a retired policeman called Jeff, or 'Goebels of the Greenhouses' as we call him, is an officious shit.'<br>
<br>'He demands every square inch is constantly cultivated. So I'm growing a fuck off huge crop of dandelions. And blowing them all over the other allotments at every opportunity.'<br>
<br>'Fuck him and his little fiefdom. All the retired old women swooning over him and choking on their HRT. Pricks to a man.'</p></div><br>

Anarchist Gardener Cultivates Weeds 'To P*ss off Allotment Fascists'

Allotment Secretaries, the holder of the keys to the green and fertile land and all powerful lords of legumes, are being frustrated by anarc...

Selfish Christians to be Forced to Read the F*cking Bible

Health, Lifestyle, News, UK 08:59

<div style="text-align: center; padding: 5px;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEir2K4Y0zwkWzaHX2_e5Fur8Q_aKNb8rSuskFBShOJfZzu_srEcRauC5jhqYQrxAesOke0Tb6hsaJdjR4_Kd-xFoYcLHAz1etHldolpoiUPS7TG5QjXXVNEIGx8hvTIXM1Gcxbw-suaceVU/"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEir2K4Y0zwkWzaHX2_e5Fur8Q_aKNb8rSuskFBShOJfZzu_srEcRauC5jhqYQrxAesOke0Tb6hsaJdjR4_Kd-xFoYcLHAz1etHldolpoiUPS7TG5QjXXVNEIGx8hvTIXM1Gcxbw-suaceVU/ cursor: pointer;" style="border: 1px solid; border-radius: 2px;padding: 5px; max-width: 320px " width="320px"></a></div><div class="blogaway-section"><p>Christians who wish to pay less tax, sanction the benefits payments of the poor and keep refugees out of Britain are to be tied down, eyelids taped open and the bible put in front of them until they have read the whole thing out loud, it has emerged.<br>
<br>Rich, largely Tory voting self-identifying Christians are to have every single one of their hypocritical views tested in this way until they resemble Malcolm McDowell in A Clockwork Orange.<br>
<br>'The only way to fix these emotionally stunted gibbering wrecks of humanity is to turn them into entirely different gibbering wrecks.' said Professor Charles Langtree of The Felchfield Institute.<br>
<br>'These self-centred, arrogant, racist cunts see no irony whatsoever in being the exact opposite to Jesus in all things.'<br>
<br>'As long as they turn up on a Sunday, they can spend the other hours of the week being a cancer on the arse of humanity, a Daily Mail reading, hatred filled, desperation ignoring wank shovel.'<br>
<br>'Forced bible reading is the only way to get through what a massive leftie hippy Jesus was. The normal teaching methods seem to have elicited a finger in the ears approach. We'll break the bastards of it.'</p></div><br>

Selfish Christians to be Forced to Read the F*cking Bible

Christians who wish to pay less tax, sanction the benefits payments of the poor and keep refugees out of Britain are to be tied down, eyelid...