The Morning Gerald: International

'How Long Before We Can Start Hating the French Again?' Asks Everyone

<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWc9N2DSEc4ORXKI8jrnhz4LV_qjpIX2GmRAbGeS7VdnvrmJvUmn6Bg8-hZue0zGE68ldveH9gBWqIO6GulmB9hY-UTzl5Yjl0WMj4QQFCUuHBoY6tlKF7JQbZd9LW-qYkEmhgtkTJDole/s1600/britishspain.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWc9N2DSEc4ORXKI8jrnhz4LV_qjpIX2GmRAbGeS7VdnvrmJvUmn6Bg8-hZue0zGE68ldveH9gBWqIO6GulmB9hY-UTzl5Yjl0WMj4QQFCUuHBoY6tlKF7JQbZd9LW-qYkEmhgtkTJDole/s400/britishspain.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
As the period of mourning continues over the horrific terror attacks in Paris, British people have begun asking how long is necessary before open hatred of the French can begin again it has been revealed.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
In a survey conducted by Professor Charles Langtree of The Felchfield Institute, 99.9% of British residents were itching to profess just how much they though the French were cunts.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'It's a miracle it has lasted this long' said Professor Langtree.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'The most telling question the the survey was 'Depite the horror of the terror attacks, the French population has been reduced in number because of it. Are you secretly happy?' to which 102% of people said yes.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'Not a possible number I know, but some people tore their survey in half and answered on both pieces.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'I am deeply concerned about the mental health of the British people this love and compassion is doing. The sooner they return to their default setting of misery, bile and gemeral hate, the better for everyone.'</div>

'How Long Before We Can Start Hating the French Again?' Asks Everyone

As the period of mourning continues over the horrific terror attacks in Paris, British people have begun asking how long is necessary...

Maths Exams That Include Maths to be Abolished

International, News, Sci-Tech 12:22

<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxZXVWHQChPGDEHw_gsGkKPf1ROtPJ69s7Dr4ERPH02UwPFS8iizrRCoEoM9FCQXg00sk82Tk4u2ODSoml1LA9QK9AzfRQ0rEyJQpsShM5Aywl0xV0rDbJPwqhopKk0O3FUv5F17ggWSdf/s1600/2E0D4E7800000578-3301042-image-a-2_1446506278946.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxZXVWHQChPGDEHw_gsGkKPf1ROtPJ69s7Dr4ERPH02UwPFS8iizrRCoEoM9FCQXg00sk82Tk4u2ODSoml1LA9QK9AzfRQ0rEyJQpsShM5Aywl0xV0rDbJPwqhopKk0O3FUv5F17ggWSdf/s400/2E0D4E7800000578-3301042-image-a-2_1446506278946.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
With the increased focus internationally on 'Sally's Problem', 'The Dying Llama' and 'The Piss Easy Coins Thing', Maths exams are to have their content changed.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'We feel people struggle counting let alone using letters instead of numbers' said Professor Charles Langtree of the Felchfield Institute.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'From now on people will just have to stand in front of the invigilator and sing a nursery rhyme about pixies whilst wearing a silly hat.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'That will get them an A in Maths and will see them in to any job they need.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'There is the small issue of probably having to convert to a pre-industrial society when nobody can make any machines work or build them anymore.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'But hey, no more maths exams with maths in them! Woo hoo!'</div>

Maths Exams That Include Maths to be Abolished

With the increased focus internationally on 'Sally's Problem', 'The Dying Llama' and 'The Piss Easy Coins Thi...

Dictator Shockingly Re-elected

International, News, Politics 09:10

<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgK7peN3nDPGwgWh9XK3ZbAQ-1b9tG39tpP2xCeH-LFoEzfBy5F7vIAx66ONjrlbIeqmcmCE5s3sjJTKqUWyFgUuglFU-p6H-r1A3mFUMq8-6iFAFoZL1R4aeALi86cSqVR-SIvQrpBODsx/s1600/2013-06-03-basbakan_erdogan.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgK7peN3nDPGwgWh9XK3ZbAQ-1b9tG39tpP2xCeH-LFoEzfBy5F7vIAx66ONjrlbIeqmcmCE5s3sjJTKqUWyFgUuglFU-p6H-r1A3mFUMq8-6iFAFoZL1R4aeALi86cSqVR-SIvQrpBODsx/s400/2013-06-03-basbakan_erdogan.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
Recep Erdoğan, Turkish President and leader of the AKP party, has celebrated his party being reelected with a majority it has been announced.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
Speaking to political pundits on Turkish television's top neutral political program 'Erdoğan Enthuses', the President said 'This is the victory our nation needed.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'I will of course, as President, remain completely unbiassed. I don't care who in the AKP Party becomes Prime Minister. It's my party after all so, you know, whoever.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'As long as they swear their allegiance to me personally, er, in my capacity of President of course, then we can see a renewed, Ottoman islamist state.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'And cover up your hair you filthy whore. You are inflaming my private gentleman's area.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'In fact, just go home. Are there any men that can interview me?'</div>

Dictator Shockingly Re-elected

Recep Erdoğan, Turkish President and leader of the AKP party, has celebrated his party being reelected with a majority it has been an...

If You Build Planes Out Of Old Ladas And Turnips Crashes Will Happen

International, Lifestyle, News 08:47

<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhspTBsK-B9JkFwlSDAfOq7Xb47jmEj8jh2uN813fKWe_fyfUIzMIhZoAei_XJJ_HZdmFD-nbIED2Oq1mQwnc7CYatE60WHaX4tkxm_mI4PJDPxXKY81kpDiloMCaGuaij73nkROCIv8J1h/s1600/The-Russian-airline-Kogalymavia-Airbus-A321.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhspTBsK-B9JkFwlSDAfOq7Xb47jmEj8jh2uN813fKWe_fyfUIzMIhZoAei_XJJ_HZdmFD-nbIED2Oq1mQwnc7CYatE60WHaX4tkxm_mI4PJDPxXKY81kpDiloMCaGuaij73nkROCIv8J1h/s400/The-Russian-airline-Kogalymavia-Airbus-A321.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
The Russian aircrash over Egypt has lead to international calls to improve aircraft safety it has been announced.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
Head of the International Air Safety Noard Geoff Hundt said 'Despite this plane being an Airbus, maintenance was severely substandard.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'Initial reports show that valves were replaced with old kitchen sink taps, the electricity generator was a 1974 Lada Riva engine and the landing gear doors had been replaced with metal moulded from the fillings of the teeth of dissidents.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'We would suggest that this is generally not what should be used to repair a plane. Perhaps genuine parts would be a suitable alternative.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'Or, if you had any sense, you would travel via Russia's safest form of transport. The horse and cart. As long as it isn't rutting season.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'Last years incident where a Siberian woman was mistaken for the mare still informs most of our nightmares to this day.'</div>

If You Build Planes Out Of Old Ladas And Turnips Crashes Will Happen

The Russian aircrash over Egypt has lead to international calls to improve aircraft safety it has been announced. Head of the Int...

Office to be Relocated to Your Bed

Business, International, News 12:38

<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-R-T5Vr3cSj2zmkGPO9SG8gU9YA7e9WWPoB-z1krQu29EqRF-cxatz6NdTM5BOUmCvO3kUeI5yqNo-7XXlo9pMs_qmbuWw15RKYplpB_RuWerBhu4fVS2jCb1Vcx4Nve4M46xvPNWpPuT/s1600/lapdawg-x4-038.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-R-T5Vr3cSj2zmkGPO9SG8gU9YA7e9WWPoB-z1krQu29EqRF-cxatz6NdTM5BOUmCvO3kUeI5yqNo-7XXlo9pMs_qmbuWw15RKYplpB_RuWerBhu4fVS2jCb1Vcx4Nve4M46xvPNWpPuT/s400/lapdawg-x4-038.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
All office workers are to be permitted to do their job from the comfort of their beds it has been announced.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
It has been shown by studies that a comfortable worker is an effective worker.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
Ash Kennedy, an administrator from Kent said 'This is a lifelong ambition.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'I have campaigned for this for some time. Well, I would have campaigned for it but my bed was far too comfy to get out of to bother to do anything about it.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'I look forward to dealing with paperwork whilst trying not to spill a precariously balanced cup of coffee all over it or getting toast grease on the pages.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'I am particularly pleased to get the opportunity to avoid using fingers that stink of Pickled Onion Monster Munch to file important briefs.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'The opportunity to lie like the slovenly lazy bastard I am, in my own filth and get paid for it, is a dream come true. All I have to do now is drill a hole in the base of my bed with a bucket underneath and I need never leave my bed ever again. Bliss!'</div>

Office to be Relocated to Your Bed

All office workers are to be permitted to do their job from the comfort of their beds it has been announced. It has been shown by...

Presidential Nominee Sanity Test Introduced

International, News, Politics 12:13

<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdFYv-NlTlkEE6fdkah8OON9A3qlSH9drsG6IPra2DpDInlmjtN46dnhH7Efof407Aag8bPDj1yQCXWYLKfhJxasifcG9mfLjQAtTJMZq4zdaq1lQWPEFshjA3DDNeB-jZpKzgvL5PFzrh/s1600/downloadfile_20151026121208718.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdFYv-NlTlkEE6fdkah8OON9A3qlSH9drsG6IPra2DpDInlmjtN46dnhH7Efof407Aag8bPDj1yQCXWYLKfhJxasifcG9mfLjQAtTJMZq4zdaq1lQWPEFshjA3DDNeB-jZpKzgvL5PFzrh/s400/downloadfile_20151026121208718.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
The ability to confirm the existence of things right in front of your eyes and open your mouth without making children weep with despair are to be prerequisites to running for US President it has been announced.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
Donald Trump and Ben Carson have caused enormous concern with their proclamations that have no bearing to any known reality.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'Between the two of them their may just be one functioning brain' said political commentator Mike Hundt.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'Seemingly benign and innocuous aspects of life both scare and confuse the two men. Yesterday I saw Donald Trump run screaming from a croissant.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'And today, Ben Carson, whilst eating an apple, denied the existence of apples, saying they were a muslim conspiracy.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'If this degree of idiocy continues, we may have to call on Sarah Palin to be the intellectual candidate. Barely formed sentences are at least better that complete bullshit sentences which is what we have right now.'</div>

Presidential Nominee Sanity Test Introduced

The ability to confirm the existence of things right in front of your eyes and open your mouth without making children weep with desp...

Doner Kebabs Spared WHO Carcinogen List: 'They Are Meat Free'

Health, International, News 12:03

<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwLOUOuwNUXBmYDfTE0FjqCWY6hyphenhyphen6hq0k94KxHSl5QpCjauaOnemzMf1NVJ4OurOWoOs78Qt-5iOKB8U9WR_bYmsW92qIHPSmH1pbwOqG9lEakFyYcgPGAfQJnwo7mByWBmTpOUyQXeAv8/s1600/PicsArt_10-26-10.11.05.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="321" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwLOUOuwNUXBmYDfTE0FjqCWY6hyphenhyphen6hq0k94KxHSl5QpCjauaOnemzMf1NVJ4OurOWoOs78Qt-5iOKB8U9WR_bYmsW92qIHPSmH1pbwOqG9lEakFyYcgPGAfQJnwo7mByWBmTpOUyQXeAv8/s400/PicsArt_10-26-10.11.05.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
Donner Kebabs, Kofte and burgers sold in Kebab shops have all escaped the World Health Organisations meat carcinogen list it has been revealed.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
Speaking from UN headquarters in New York, Professor Charles Langtree of The Felchfield Institute said 'My fellow Britons will rejoice at this news.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'Fortunately such fast food products dont have any actual meat in them.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'Rumour has it 'Efes Kebabs' in Clacton briefly had a small amount of pidgeon in its donner kebabs but that can't be substantiated.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'Of course we haven't tested the main ingredients of such food stuffs, namely rubber, old tennis balls, silicone sealant and dust for their carcinogenic properties. I'm guessing they aren't great.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'And then of course there is the main ingredient of fast food meat, mashed up cancer. Might be a bit bad for you. We'll run some tests.'</div>

Doner Kebabs Spared WHO Carcinogen List: 'They Are Meat Free'

Donner Kebabs, Kofte and burgers sold in Kebab shops have all escaped the World Health Organisations meat carcinogen list it has been...

The Blair Apology: A Huge Turd With a Lettuce Leaf Garnish

International, News, Politics 10:40

<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwtWVhSyUTalbwdmgKyB-nbmqmHWiZ40teXLtc-hAiwIPfxoTYT1nHbvhS7i60TQYyDHS8at471JgRbiVnNyRQFEZ20MNnF-qkV79GEZBVAIYbEBx8XpWumQanxTt-Rh_0jngfynl_43EO/s1600/Tony-Blair-Reuters.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwtWVhSyUTalbwdmgKyB-nbmqmHWiZ40teXLtc-hAiwIPfxoTYT1nHbvhS7i60TQYyDHS8at471JgRbiVnNyRQFEZ20MNnF-qkV79GEZBVAIYbEBx8XpWumQanxTt-Rh_0jngfynl_43EO/s400/Tony-Blair-Reuters.jpg" width="400"></a></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br></div>
<div dir="ltr">
Tony Blair has issued a quarter apology for the Iraq war it has been revealed.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br></div>
<div dir="ltr">
Speaking to CNN Europe about the rise of ISIS, he apologised for some of the intelligence gathered by other people and for some of the post-war planning, always with the caveat that surely you couldn't have expected what happened.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br></div>
<div dir="ltr">
He has also apologised for the possible link between the failures of the Iraq war and the link to the rise of ISIS.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'Imagine someone has just killed your family.' said media commentator Ash Kennedy.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'Tony Blair has apologised not for the murder of the family. But for not expecting a funeral and paying for it. And not expecting the extended family to be angry and wishing to seek revenge.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'What fucking planet does that professional smirk in a suit live on? What a cunt. I would like to apologise for calling Tony Blair a cunt. But I'm not going to.'</div>

The Blair Apology: A Huge Turd With a Lettuce Leaf Garnish

Tony Blair has issued a quarter apology for the Iraq war it has been revealed. Speaking to CNN Europe about the rise of ISIS, he ...

Daniel Craig Nails New Role As 'C*nt'

Celebrity, Entertainment, International, News 15:57

<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgubhtuw2S_0gZnU-wtns1CNu7A8Pfu19LiDK35GqCObGE2dI4FCzUU6WYAUR6SO2BpvQeuWp1A-FNtsW8eQMYUbJ5mqWh62pMjsNkbU0I-RfNkgwMRb_5kE455YJy0nW0slhHlDE4RwRRB/s1600/Daniel-Craig.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgubhtuw2S_0gZnU-wtns1CNu7A8Pfu19LiDK35GqCObGE2dI4FCzUU6WYAUR6SO2BpvQeuWp1A-FNtsW8eQMYUbJ5mqWh62pMjsNkbU0I-RfNkgwMRb_5kE455YJy0nW0slhHlDE4RwRRB/s400/Daniel-Craig.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
Daniel Craig has been working hard on a new character during his James Bond press tour it has been announced.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
The character, called 'Cunt', is an irascible, short tempered, ungrateful little shit who works for 4 months a year and gets paid millions of pounds to do it.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'His interviews of late show he is nailing it!' said his PA Ash Kennedy.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'When I get his coffee order slightly wrong, say with only two extra shots instead of three, he tosses the boiling hot beverage in my 'stupid, ugly' face.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'It used to be quite desirable but obviously the burns have put paid to that.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'And then of course there is the punishment for picking him up late if I get stuck in traffic beyond my control.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'The repeated kicks to the bollocks over the years have turned them into squishy beachballs. I didn't want kids anyway.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'So he is really perfecting the new role. The collosal fucking cunt.'</div>

Daniel Craig Nails New Role As 'C*nt'

Daniel Craig has been working hard on a new character during his James Bond press tour it has been announced. The character, call...

Office Collections to be New Source of Salary

Business, International, Lifestyle, News 12:42

<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNyjiDjzjERg-hekgBPvkrcRkRrxmBl4l0Vwm7oISrerg0XqTj5JpRykakq8Km7DdChzjjq666wzbCwbQnfJa0IeNKpjLQJWOsYiyKRKQaed7OhHK17Vt53TxaR7XSMOEpQAIXT6o7RCJY/s1600/781637fa0ad50afdd319c007408c2aa1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNyjiDjzjERg-hekgBPvkrcRkRrxmBl4l0Vwm7oISrerg0XqTj5JpRykakq8Km7DdChzjjq666wzbCwbQnfJa0IeNKpjLQJWOsYiyKRKQaed7OhHK17Vt53TxaR7XSMOEpQAIXT6o7RCJY/s400/781637fa0ad50afdd319c007408c2aa1.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
Collections for, amongst other things, birthdays are to be the main source of income for people it has been announced.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
As the workplace moves from a couple of quid per person per birthday to a tenner or more, salaries are to be replaced by collections.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'It's a lump sum that I've got to make stretch through the year' said office worker Ash Kennedy.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'My take home pay of £1200 per month usually leaves me with about 17p after all the collections.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'There's birthdays, anniversaries, leaving for a new job, leaving for pregnancy, leaving for looking at pornography on work's computers.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'Then there are Christenings, funerals that aren't your boss, new car celebrations, car write off commiserations, illness, fake illness, really fake illness ('tummy trouble'), promotions, demotions, sideways moves and career breaks.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'So just give me a lump sum of part of everyone else's salary that roughly equates to what I earn and I will spread it out over the year.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'Or, alternatively, we could keep our money and STOP CELEBRATING BULLSHIT!!'</div>

Office Collections to be New Source of Salary

Collections for, amongst other things, birthdays are to be the main source of income for people it has been announced. As the wor...

Marty McFly Slits Wrists After Screaming 'This Is Hideous!'

International, Lifestyle, News 12:23

<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXWbf7EaAPILbGBcNba2D27XhhMLsRcLPqlD6I83_9ygmsGYtkyPoNvSDgnhznRN0DsgZmYEeZc-zwn8hOE8Gu4XVjwhkKrjRy1FAeVyl28J9M8JPMmq4UMGXCJ58DRTsXW17xHlULvKcv/s1600/4512ee4a-b9e2-4e96-bdc7-0f2f40daa99e-2060x1236.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXWbf7EaAPILbGBcNba2D27XhhMLsRcLPqlD6I83_9ygmsGYtkyPoNvSDgnhznRN0DsgZmYEeZc-zwn8hOE8Gu4XVjwhkKrjRy1FAeVyl28J9M8JPMmq4UMGXCJ58DRTsXW17xHlULvKcv/s400/4512ee4a-b9e2-4e96-bdc7-0f2f40daa99e-2060x1236.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
A time traveller from the year 1985 has committed suicide it has been reported.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
Martin 'Marty' McFly, of Hill Valley California, arrived today in a flying DeLorean with the hope of seeing a magnificent future.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'This can't be happening!' said McFly.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'Where are the virtual waiters? And the 3D movies you don't have to wear glasses for and get a splitting headache?'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'Where are the hoverboards, the virtual glasses, the self tying sneakers, the bionic implants and Max Headroom?'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'You all just stare at rectangles of plastic taking photos of spaghetti bolognese and showing them to strangers while meeting random people from an 'internet' whatever that is for casual sex.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'Ok the last bit sounds good. But the rest is hideous! I'm ending it with this glass bottle of 'Bacardi Breezer?' What the fuck is that?!?</div>

Marty McFly Slits Wrists After Screaming 'This Is Hideous!'

A time traveller from the year 1985 has committed suicide it has been reported. Martin 'Marty' McFly, of Hill Valley Califo...

Chinese President Turns Down Cameron's 'Pig Surprise' Dish

International, News, Politics 11:49

<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnev6aumUA58RzyVtXJaLfZlmDgyIVP5qpANttgsbzTkY_UE9l-6Zj_JdZo0Myega8gO4lKybR4GCK30x7bi3twQjJx2Y-9qOECaEKV9TPkFtjCj41CydnZQUNobFv7K1hJJ6pRHNQz91B/s1600/Xi-Queen-Getty.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnev6aumUA58RzyVtXJaLfZlmDgyIVP5qpANttgsbzTkY_UE9l-6Zj_JdZo0Myega8gO4lKybR4GCK30x7bi3twQjJx2Y-9qOECaEKV9TPkFtjCj41CydnZQUNobFv7K1hJJ6pRHNQz91B/s400/Xi-Queen-Getty.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
President Xi Jinping, the Chinese premier on his first state visit to the UK caused a small diplomatic headache yesterday it has been revealed.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
At the state banquet attended by the Queen and David Cameron, Mr. Xi refused the char sui pork, reportedly saying 'I don't know where it's been.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
Presidential aid Cheng Xiao elaborated.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'He has a very sensitive constitution and therefore cannot eat food that is too rich' said Mr. Cheng.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'The President prefers simple fare. Rice, potatoes. Maybe some beef occasionally. He tries to remain frugal in his tastes as an inspiration to his people.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'Plus he doesn't know if your Prime Minister has put his cock in it or not. So he'd rather not.'</div>

Chinese President Turns Down Cameron's 'Pig Surprise' Dish

President Xi Jinping, the Chinese premier on his first state visit to the UK caused a small diplomatic headache yesterday it has been...

New Star Trek: The Force Wakes Up Trailer!

Entertainment, International, News 11:00

<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHFlDtuou4hDdBaiSqzY1X1LCBmH6dTj2-RAUyiQylmqoIc48py-SaHwg_qXwRQ1Y0ziLlAM7iTfYGnZWjzqWClIH6VhoozJxOtnBjZeoHXRYWvIQstOWve2_3vPGUWpovoOB8Sv6vraAI/s1600/Screenshot_2015-10-20-10-54-59.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHFlDtuou4hDdBaiSqzY1X1LCBmH6dTj2-RAUyiQylmqoIc48py-SaHwg_qXwRQ1Y0ziLlAM7iTfYGnZWjzqWClIH6VhoozJxOtnBjZeoHXRYWvIQstOWve2_3vPGUWpovoOB8Sv6vraAI/s400/Screenshot_2015-10-20-10-54-59.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
The final trailer for Star Trek: The Force Wakes Up has been released to much fanfare.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
Over two minutes of new footage have got fans in a spin across the internet and we break the trailer down for you here.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
It starts with Princess Rey scavenging inside a Sun Destroyer after shich we see her walking amongst the sand dunes with her companion droid, BB-D2.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
Tied Fighters explode over Keswick and Derwent Water as the Lake District set sci-fi masterpiece ramps up a gear.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
Then we see Storm Soldier Finn and X-Flight pilot Kapow acknowledge each other as Finn heads for the Millenium Eagle.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
Queen Leia and Captain Han Kirk embrace before we finally see Finn using a Lightscimitar to face off against henchman and master of the force, Darth Khan.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
Here at The Morning Gerald we believe this will be the finest film in the saga and we can't wait. Ahead Warp Factor 10!</div>

New Star Trek: The Force Wakes Up Trailer!

The final trailer for Star Trek: The Force Wakes Up has been released to much fanfare. Over two minutes of new footage have got fan...

Osborne to Sell Your Gran to Chinese Sweatshop

Business, International, News 15:11

<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjipDeyqOfo85uT7LE4zQs9J_paBAEq6uuJK3-PUuTsAtGXgvkdlP4DRW4ID37Psuz0enHCkiG30OsNKJR19nF5ShsPHTEGjKLk_JRbjMjdFEWIJfR4tyIkNbynflqISejO-8A1KdU4uOwl/s1600/24B8F90C00000578-2912299-image-a-2_1421358106624.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjipDeyqOfo85uT7LE4zQs9J_paBAEq6uuJK3-PUuTsAtGXgvkdlP4DRW4ID37Psuz0enHCkiG30OsNKJR19nF5ShsPHTEGjKLk_JRbjMjdFEWIJfR4tyIkNbynflqISejO-8A1KdU4uOwl/s400/24B8F90C00000578-2912299-image-a-2_1421358106624.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
As George Osborne has said that nothing is off the table with his business negotiations with China, grandmothers everywhere have started chaining themselves to appliances.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
Speaking from inside handcuffs attached to a brass, 19th century double radiator, Eve Green, 73 from Aberdeen said, 'He won't get me sewing Nike Air Max with a needle shoved up my arse!'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'There is only so much humiliation one woman can go through and squeezing two kids out your fanny whilst shitting yourself is my limit.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'I will not be forced to work 19 hour days with the promise of a handful of rice and only seven lashes for my trouble.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'No, I'm retired from making rich cunts richer thank you very much.'</div>

Osborne to Sell Your Gran to Chinese Sweatshop

As George Osborne has said that nothing is off the table with his business negotiations with China, grandmothers everywhere have star...

Guide to Tidying

International, Lifestyle, News 13:49

Guide to Tidying

Aliens: Oh F*ck, They've Found Us

International, News, Sci-Tech 12:09

<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGDBDNUcN-dXVtkNSDBR66TuFHCqc-83u_pvwzuoPrSCjmNuxkwxIi1_I-E0ZZscnq5vY_OZ-ItzDEbRPeM7HnUz0cmM8wteM2G5IYI45RmjE_166DE54UT8O8SEK5UhiDMdZ8z6eLPz2m/s1600/sptd401.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGDBDNUcN-dXVtkNSDBR66TuFHCqc-83u_pvwzuoPrSCjmNuxkwxIi1_I-E0ZZscnq5vY_OZ-ItzDEbRPeM7HnUz0cmM8wteM2G5IYI45RmjE_166DE54UT8O8SEK5UhiDMdZ8z6eLPz2m/s400/sptd401.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
News has emerged that unknown megastructures that can only be made by intelligent beings are orbitting a distant star.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
The structures, which may be comets but are probably huge space stations with artificial gravity, clean air and edible Spam, house a race of superintelligent alien beings.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
We spoke to an alien who is a quantum plumber called Brian.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'Please go away. Don't come anywhere hear us. You are basically a rampant disease and I don't want some sort of weird alien creatures shagging my daughter. Because you will. I know you will. I've seen your porn. You'll shag, burn and blow up anything.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'Just fuck off and take you weird, gooey sexual habits with you, you fucking weirdos.'</div>

Aliens: Oh F*ck, They've Found Us

News has emerged that unknown megastructures that can only be made by intelligent beings are orbitting a distant star. The struct...

Tits Despair At Being Ignored by Creepy Old Man

International, Lifestyle, News 09:06

<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br></div>
<div dir="ltr">
The world's tits are in mourning today over the decision by Playboy to stop showing them in the pages of its magazine it has been revealed.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br></div>
<div dir="ltr">
Speaking from the upper thorax of a female human being, Gerty and Ermintrude said 'There's nothing we love more than being unnecessarily exposed to idiots and perverts.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'Often we discuss how we wish people would stare at us more, grope us and altogether treat us like pieces of sexy meat.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'We especially love it when rich old men in smoking jackets photograph us for the masturbatory pleasure of the world's males. It makes us feel so wanted and worthwhile.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'Because feeding and nurturing children is boring and so worthless as a job isn't it? Where the satisfaction in that? No, much better to be exposed and leered over by twats with too much time on their fucking hands.'</div>

Tits Despair At Being Ignored by Creepy Old Man

The world's tits are in mourning today over the decision by Playboy to stop showing them in the pages of its magazine it has been ...

Mikhail the Magic Monkey Presents his MH17 Evidence

International, News 10:49

<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1yNOOZX6aRcsZhvOw6w_-xvAkchhVy-N8XD7NEzPPYglUKUHROKEdxqM6bQjTcOQxKNH2VZWzqNarGBzVdJVKS0vbDtVxjMJorAbDSDH2Ku5Wruz_l8fYfqVG1IGToUtz1M9cLojE2G4d/s1600/ScientistAndMonkey_zps7d238d91.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1yNOOZX6aRcsZhvOw6w_-xvAkchhVy-N8XD7NEzPPYglUKUHROKEdxqM6bQjTcOQxKNH2VZWzqNarGBzVdJVKS0vbDtVxjMJorAbDSDH2Ku5Wruz_l8fYfqVG1IGToUtz1M9cLojE2G4d/s400/ScientistAndMonkey_zps7d238d91.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
As Holland prepares to present its report into the MH17 crash in Ukraine, Russia is releaing its own report it has been announced.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
Holland refused to accept the evidence gathered by Russia as it had no basis in science said Dr. Ellis De Vries.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'You can't just make some stuff up and call it evidence.' he said.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'They poured bleach all over the plane, moved all the evidence and trampled over the crash site.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'Then they used a monkey that has been fed a diet of genetically altered bananas and LSD to write a report about it.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'What the fuck?!? Stop making shit up. And stop shovelling it down the throats of your increasingly gullible and stupid people. I though Americans were stupid but they are nothing compared to Russians.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'Dickheads.'</div>

Mikhail the Magic Monkey Presents his MH17 Evidence

As Holland prepares to present its report into the MH17 crash in Ukraine, Russia is releaing its own report it has been announced. ...

No Bra Day Embraced by Men Everywhere

Health, International, News 09:10

<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJZGJAJfZemO1sIezx-f9ljyfs5KgHJp2Z1TEYyjhfzvtuP3cV2BjqmTcmz0CUxFjUmTrwPIVZjdDS6RupQ5WAUAONSvnYCn6nIkf8YxOrnG7tEQXxW9bAxf0S3G2bVckcZtw_PfCMWXsD/s1600/20151013_090053.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJZGJAJfZemO1sIezx-f9ljyfs5KgHJp2Z1TEYyjhfzvtuP3cV2BjqmTcmz0CUxFjUmTrwPIVZjdDS6RupQ5WAUAONSvnYCn6nIkf8YxOrnG7tEQXxW9bAxf0S3G2bVckcZtw_PfCMWXsD/s400/20151013_090053.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
International No Bra Day, in which bras are removed to support breast cancer awareness, is being embraced by the world's men it has been revealed.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
Ash Kennedy, and accountant from Coventry said 'I have long been a supporter of breast cancer awareness. Letting the bosom free is actually beneficial to a woman's health.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'It's even more beneficial if the woman chooses not to put any clothes over the top of the freed breasts. The air circulating is very good for them.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'And allowing me to massage them, to check for lumps you understand, is also an essential part of No Bra Day.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'And finally letting me jizz all over them. Because it is beneficial in a number of ways, chief amongst them being, I like to come on tits.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'Who thinks up these things? I assume men. Because we care so much about the health of women.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'I'm going to set up 'Rub Your Pussy In Public' day. For cervical cancer awareness, obviously.'</div>

No Bra Day Embraced by Men Everywhere

International No Bra Day, in which bras are removed to support breast cancer awareness, is being embraced by the world's men it h...

'I'm Going Out on The Lash' Misunderstood by Saudi Authorities

International, News 08:55

<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1Pqhx7EaJAe4uA8xP_bZE9dw613uY1sFj628ewaEjPDr9p7RNg0GBXKhpLVivF63ONx08z8NZTOS4GLqT_pCZ1AneaBTMCmK6bvuLVOyJCKvTHgzXm7loNkR7QaPUw-mr_ocFRAGEQzmO/s1600/karl-andree-2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1Pqhx7EaJAe4uA8xP_bZE9dw613uY1sFj628ewaEjPDr9p7RNg0GBXKhpLVivF63ONx08z8NZTOS4GLqT_pCZ1AneaBTMCmK6bvuLVOyJCKvTHgzXm7loNkR7QaPUw-mr_ocFRAGEQzmO/s400/karl-andree-2.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
A British pensioner who spent time and money enabling himself to become inebriated in the privacy if his own home is to face 360 lashes for his trouble it has been announced</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
After home brewing his own super strength red wine, he was stopped in his car and arrested when it was found in the boot.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'I'm living in a joyless, dry country and I need something to take away the pain' said Karl Andree.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'They have no idea about the inalienable British right to get blitzed at any time in any country. It's our birthright.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'Whipping the shit out of my back is not going out on the lash! I just want to get hammered.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'No, No! Not hammered! No hammers involved! I like my fingers and teeth. I want to get wankered.'</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
'Er, yeah, wankered. That can't lead to a horrific punishment. Unless it's 360 consecutive wanks in which case my knob will just be a pile of mince meat. Worse ways to go I suppose.'</div>

'I'm Going Out on The Lash' Misunderstood by Saudi Authorities

A British pensioner who spent time and money enabling himself to become inebriated in the privacy if his own home is to face 360 lash...