The Morning Gerald: Celebrity

Benedict Cumberbitches About Politicians

Celebrity, Entertainment, News, Politics, UK 12:56

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Benedict Cumberbatch ended last night's performance of Hamlet with an impassioned plea for politicians to do more over the Syrian refugee crisis.</div>
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Cucumbersnatch, who often uses this platform to make appeals, turned the air blue with his pleas.</div>
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'Ignore the fucking politcians and give us your money' said Clungerflange, chanelling Bob Geldof.</div>
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'They are cunts all of them. Cunts, cunts, cunts, cunts, cunts, cunts, cunts' said the ever eloquent Chunderhatch.</div>
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'So please, I beg you, find your humanity and give money and write to politicians to help these poor, desperate people.'</div>
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Chandlerwax next stars in a self-penned west end play entitled 'The Search for a Less Ridiculous Surname.'</div>

Benedict Cumberbitches About Politicians

Benedict Cumberbatch ended last night's performance of Hamlet with an impassioned plea for politicians to do more over the Syrian...

Morrissey Sings Note in Tune

Celebrity, Entertainment, News 12:45

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Morrisey, formerly of The Smiths and militant vegetarian, has sung his first ever note in tune it has been announced.</div>
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Ash Kennedy, a sound engineer from Los Angeles was recording new material with Morrissey and nearly fell off his chair when it happened.</div>
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'I was amazed' said Kennedy.</div>
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'Usually we have the autotune turned all the way up to 11 and it still sounds like a monotonal suicidal fog horn. But by some miracle the green light appeared on the autotune machine'</div>
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'That means it hasn't had to do any work. I listened to it twelve times. It was a single note, but it was in tune.'</div>
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'I think, by the law of averages, it was probably accidental. It had to happene eventually didn't it?'</div>
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'I had three triple cheeseburgers, rare, to celebrate. And threw one into the recording booth and locked the door for laughs.'</div>

Morrissey Sings Note in Tune

Morrisey, formerly of The Smiths and militant vegetarian, has sung his first ever note in tune it has been announced. Ash Kennedy...

Daniel Craig Nails New Role As 'C*nt'

Celebrity, Entertainment, International, News 15:57

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Daniel Craig has been working hard on a new character during his James Bond press tour it has been announced.</div>
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The character, called 'Cunt', is an irascible, short tempered, ungrateful little shit who works for 4 months a year and gets paid millions of pounds to do it.</div>
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'His interviews of late show he is nailing it!' said his PA Ash Kennedy.</div>
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'When I get his coffee order slightly wrong, say with only two extra shots instead of three, he tosses the boiling hot beverage in my 'stupid, ugly' face.'</div>
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'It used to be quite desirable but obviously the burns have put paid to that.'</div>
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'And then of course there is the punishment for picking him up late if I get stuck in traffic beyond my control.'</div>
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'The repeated kicks to the bollocks over the years have turned them into squishy beachballs. I didn't want kids anyway.'</div>
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'So he is really perfecting the new role. The collosal fucking cunt.'</div>

Daniel Craig Nails New Role As 'C*nt'

Daniel Craig has been working hard on a new character during his James Bond press tour it has been announced. The character, call...

All BBC Presenters to Join ITV in Completely Unrelated Jobs

Celebrity, Entertainment, News 12:53

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With the news that Robert Peston is moving to ITV to front a chat show, it has been revealed there is to be a mass exodus of BBC talent into completely unrelated ITV jobs.</div>
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In a move being called 'bloody ridiculous' by media commentators, Tess Daly is to be the new ITV News political editor.</div>
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Huw Edwards is to host The X Factor whilst Terry Wogan will present a series of documentaries on the history of bad wigs.</div>
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Chris Evans is to replace Ken Barlow as the lothario of Coronation Street and Graham Norton will be the anchor of the 10 O'Clock News.</div>
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And Matt Baker and Alex Jones will present a series of documentaries about unusually close presenting couples who are probably shagging offscreen.</div>
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The revelations continue.</div>

All BBC Presenters to Join ITV in Completely Unrelated Jobs

With the news that Robert Peston is moving to ITV to front a chat show, it has been revealed there is to be a mass exodus of BBC tale...

Alan 'Leprosy' Titchmarsh on Lancelot 'Capability' Brown

Celebrity, Lifestyle, News, UK 21:00

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Alan Tit-marsh's latest show on Capability Brown is proving to be a real hit with his target audience of Ukip voters it has been announced.</div>
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Spending hours of television, millions of pounds and acres of land to create a pointless man made river and a few terraced fields is the most quintessentially British thing ever filmed according to Tit-marsh.</div>
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'This is television at its finest. We celebrate someone who was rich and powerful and white. You could cut throught this land and written through it, like a piece of rock, would be the words to Rule Brittania and a column by Simon Heffer.'</div>
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'None of this 'Who Do You Think You Are?' with Sanjeev Bhaskar or John Barnes.'</div>
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'No, good old fashioned, 1950s, safe family entertainment celebrating my favourite type of people: Tories.'</div>

Alan 'Leprosy' Titchmarsh on Lancelot 'Capability' Brown

Alan Tit-marsh's latest show on Capability Brown is proving to be a real hit with his target audience of Ukip voters it has been ...

JK Rowling's Latest Potter Tweet to be Released in Two Parts

Celebrity, Entertainment, News 02:02

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JK Rowling, purveyor of the finest boy wizards and the most derivative crime thrillers, has announced she will release her next tweet in two seperate parts.</div>
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'I feel that it is necessary to split this tweet to really get to the bottom of its meaning.' said Rowling.</div>
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'It is only 124 characters so would easily fit in a single tweet, but I'm splitting it, enhancing it, marketing it and making millions of people hang on the most inane waffle this side of an Dan Snow One Show history segment.'</div>
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'Honestly, you're all mugs. It's a fucking tweet. The Huffpost wil make two entire articles from it. The Independent will do a Facebook clickbait story on it. The Daily Mail will find a picture of my cleavage and call me a communist. Then print it.'</div>
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'It's a fucking tweet! Or two! Wake up, wank stains!'</div>

JK Rowling's Latest Potter Tweet to be Released in Two Parts

JK Rowling, purveyor of the finest boy wizards and the most derivative crime thrillers, has announced she will release her next tweet...

Sam Smith Strangles Blofeld's Cat for New Bond Theme

Celebrity, Entertainment, News 10:58

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Sam Smith has released his new single 'Writing's On The Wall' and it sounds like he has used a Bond Theme Generator that's been passed through autotune and sang by a semi-conscious mangey moggie we can announce.</div>
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With no memorable hook and none of Adele's cock-er-nee sparrah 'Skyfaw! Cwumbw!' to laugh at, this song sounds like old bits of Bond theme sheet music have been chewed up and spat at a wall with a cigar chomping music exec screaming 'write that, write that!!'</div>
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Smith's usually soft falsetto sounds more like he is squeezing out a particularly troublesome shit and the agony of the impending hemorrhoids weighs heavily in his voice.</div>
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But the tinkle of the ivories, now compulsory in all Bond themes, sound like they are being played with gusto and enthusiasm. By someone who heard a polyphonic Bond ringtone in 2001.</div>
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This is not the usual standard of insipid pop warbling we have come to expect from Smith. And he is no doubt accutely aware of what an utter failure this theme is. Painful, uninspired and lacking originality or grace, Smith is 23 years old.</div>

Sam Smith Strangles Blofeld's Cat for New Bond Theme

Sam Smith has released his new single 'Writing's On The Wall' and it sounds like he has used a Bond Theme Generator that...

People In Fake Manc Street Asked to Remember More Than One Sentence

Celebrity, Entertainment, News 09:30

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A selection of random people from Manchester with limited talent have been asked to memorise more than one sentence at a time it emerged yesterday.</div>
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Morons with no formal education attempted to spit out whole sentences when they were hired based solely on their looks.</div>
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'I don't like being forced to remember things' said Ash Kennedy, star of 'Coronation Street'.</div>
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'I was rescused from the top of Blackpool tower once because I forgot I couldn't fly and nearly fell off.'</div>
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'I have to be reminded to eat so to be honest I can't remember more than a 4 words at a time. Even one sentence is a push. Usually, what I have to say is written down on big white boards held behind the camera.'</div>
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'Well, not written, more drawn. With stick men. In crayon. With the promise of a Dairylea triangle if I get it right.'</div>

People In Fake Manc Street Asked to Remember More Than One Sentence

A selection of random people from Manchester with limited talent have been asked to memorise more than one sentence at a time it emer...

One Direction's 'Made in the A.M.' Makes Everyone 'Homicidal in the P.M.'

Celebrity, Entertainment, News 09:20

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One Direction have released their new album 'Made in the A.M' to mixed criticism is has been announced.</div>
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Newspapers and other media outlets that are part of the same media group as One Direction's record company has collectively called it a 'Triumph', 'Their best album yet' and 'a tour de force of pop brilliance.'</div>
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Everyone else though has described it as 'an inducement to bleeding ears', 'a sorry collection of money spinning shite' and 'responsible for cancer'.</div>
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'My body is being eaten from the inside out by a demonic strain of cancer that was brought on by listening to 4 lads who have 2 pubic hairs between them and their stupid, flapping mouth music' said Neil Brown, music journalist.</div>
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'The only saving grace is I will be dead soon from the disease that ravages me. Is the any way to make it infectious? There's four people I want to meet.'</div>

One Direction's 'Made in the A.M.' Makes Everyone 'Homicidal in the P.M.'

One Direction have released their new album 'Made in the A.M' to mixed criticism is has been announced. Newspapers and ot...

Comedians Have Mass Embolism at Cameron Material Overload

Celebrity, Entertainment, Lifestyle, News 08:30

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Comedians are taking a mass rest at a celebrity relaxation centre it has emerged today.</div>
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After spending the past 24 hours filling their time making gags about pig fucking, the sheer volume of material has led to a mass breakdown and overload of the humour centres of the brain.</div>
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'It's a recognised phenomenom' said Professor Charles Langtree of The Felchfield Institute.</div>
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'The last time it happened it emerged that Edwina Currie had been boffing John Major.'</div>
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'The sheer shock to the system causes a sort of gag overload. Comedians are used to scraping material together from the weakest of beginnings.'</div>
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'It's like chucking a swimming pool in front of someone who has spent 30 days in a desert. Overly grateful, ecstatic but liable to drown like a young, gay man at Michael Barrymore's house.</div>

Comedians Have Mass Embolism at Cameron Material Overload

Comedians are taking a mass rest at a celebrity relaxation centre it has emerged today. After spending the past 24 hours filling ...

Man Appears on Daily Mail Sidebar

Celebrity, Entertainment, News 11:42

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The Daily Mail has allowed someone with a penis on it's website sidebar it has emerged.</div>
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Usually the domain of Katie Price and Pamela Anderson and their 'pneumatic assets', a male has bucked the trend for titillation.</div>
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'I am honoured to appear on the Daily Mail sidebar' said Henry Parsons.</div>
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'My claim to fame is of course my upcoming choices which the Daily Mail will be covering in detail. The changes in my life will be documented by this brave band of committed men and women striving to bring you the latest news.'</div>
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'Yes, as I transition from male to female they will document my operations with particular emphasis on being given Britains biggest ever breast implants at 36JJ.'</div>
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'I am so grateful for the Daily Mail's accompaniment on this journey and their support which is entirely based on my inspirational story.'</div>

Man Appears on Daily Mail Sidebar

The Daily Mail has allowed someone with a penis on it's website sidebar it has emerged. Usually the domain of Katie Price and P...

Ann Coulter Finally Implodes But Leftist Men 'Still Would'

Celebrity, International, News, Politics 08:47

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Ann Coulter, firebrand right wing media commentator and Fox News favourite, has tweeted an anti-semitic comment it has been revealed.<br />
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Coulter, who has previous form suggesting Jews could be saved by becoming Chritians, has been roundly criticised.<br />
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'This behaviour is abhorrent and has no place on our airwaves.' said Ash Kennedy of the ACLU.<br />
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We asked Mr. Kennedy why he was so flushed talking about Ms. Coulter.<br />
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'She makes me angry and this is an increase in blood pressure.' said Mr. Kennedy. It was at this point his phone rang and his phone wallpaper was unmistakably Ann Coulter.<br />
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'It is someone who looks similar. It's, er, Felicity Huffman. Yes, it's her.' he said when quizzed.<br />
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'And this picture I keep in my wallet, so she is never far away from me, is Erin Brokovich. Yes, definitely. Not Ann Coulter at all.'

Ann Coulter Finally Implodes But Leftist Men 'Still Would'

Ann Coulter, firebrand right wing media commentator and Fox News favourite, has tweeted an anti-semitic comment it has been revealed. ...

Elton John: Don't Let Putin Go Down On Me

Celebrity, Entertainment, Lifestyle, News 00:01

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Elton John has shocked the world by acknowledging the Vladimir Putin gives really bad blow jobs it emerged today.</div>
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Speaking after the Kremlin denied the two had just completed a torrid phone sex session, Elton John said 'I'm not even sure why I called him to be honest.'</div>
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'David is out of town and gave me permission to have a bit of fun which is so generous of him. Putin sucked me off under the grand piano at a concert last year and it took so, so long.'</div>
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'He was all teeth and very little tongue. And his licking of the balls was pathetic.'</div>
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'But I was feeling really horny and I knew he was free. And he is always gagging for the dick is our Vladimir. The closet is so big you can fit an entire West End musical in there.'</div>
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'But he refuses to allow gay people to love each other. So fearful. So paranoid. Vladimir, you looked so joyful and serene with my jizz dripping off your chin. Allow others that happiness.'</div>

Elton John: Don't Let Putin Go Down On Me

Elton John has shocked the world by acknowledging the Vladimir Putin gives really bad blow jobs it emerged today. Speaking after ...

Fearne Cotton to be Offered £1bn to Stop Breeding

Celebrity, Entertainment, News 08:39

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Fearne Cotton, who has given birth to her second daughter, has said that she may consider more children in the future.</div>
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However this has been met with concern by a worried British people.</div>
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Office worker Ash Kennedy said 'There is only so many pathetic and insipid platitudes that you can hear her speak before your want to rip your ears off.'</div>
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'It's deeply concerning that she wants to spread here genes like this. There may be more like her in the future.'</div>
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'Imagine watching Prince George's kids being christened and Fearne Cotton's daughter presenting the program.'</div>
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'Can you imagine? 'Prince George has had a boy. Maybe he will be called George too. George the Second he would be. Or Junior George. Genius!' Interesting use of the word 'genius' there Fearne Jnr. More 'bunch of shite' to be honest'</div>
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'So please contribute to the billion pound 'For Fucks Sake Fearne, Use A Condom' fund and let's stop her poisoning the gene pool any further.'</div>

Fearne Cotton to be Offered £1bn to Stop Breeding

Fearne Cotton, who has given birth to her second daughter, has said that she may consider more children in the future. However th...

Alan Davies Says Something Funny on QI

Celebrity, Entertainment, News 09:21

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Alan Davies has said his first funny thing after 12 years of QI it has been announced.</div>
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Davies, whose sole job, it seems, is to sit there and say the most banal comment that comes to mind, is second only to Phil Jupitus in the league of least number of funny things ever said on television.</div>
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'He's ruined it for himself' said series producer John Lloyd.</div>
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'He had a good thing going there. Every week he got paid huge amounts of money to say the thing we had all thought of 20 seconds earlier and then laugh hysterically at himself.'</div>
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'Now that he has said something funny, he has raised expectations. Can he really maintain this hit rate of a gag per decade? I'm not sure he can.'</div>
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'I only hired him as a bet to see how long he would last before the audience demand he was fired. But apparently, bookish middle aged women want to interfere with him sexually.'</div>
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'Makes my stomach turn to tell you the truth.'</div>

Alan Davies Says Something Funny on QI

Alan Davies has said his first funny thing after 12 years of QI it has been announced. Davies, whose sole job, it seems, is to si...

Netflix Rejected Clarkson After he Demanded Name Change to 'NetChinks'

Celebrity, Entertainment, International, News 09:07

<div style="text-align: center; padding: 5px;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglUNcfLM6yq7p-4yqkAenymqv-mSP5uE_8HwZKmmstWRBPB9Ruhe7UiVdBbRhQmpYkwBo8kLvuXqOblgNU45v93pgCcJRBGeNh57AFn44Bl0f0LuunX3rNk4MzD4nZbKAe14db8-U5lH3b/"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglUNcfLM6yq7p-4yqkAenymqv-mSP5uE_8HwZKmmstWRBPB9Ruhe7UiVdBbRhQmpYkwBo8kLvuXqOblgNU45v93pgCcJRBGeNh57AFn44Bl0f0LuunX3rNk4MzD4nZbKAe14db8-U5lH3b/ cursor: pointer;" style="border: 1px solid; border-radius: 2px;padding: 5px; max-width: 320px " width="320px" /></a></div><div class="blogaway-section"><p>Netflix announced that Clarkson, Hammond snd May weren't worth the money they were asking for nor the reputation damage to the Netflix brand.<br/>
<br/>After asking for complete editorial control, Jeremy Clarkson is reported to want to change the names of various programs and the channel to serve his 'wit'.<br/>
<br/>'There were some changes we could make' said Netflix boss Jerry Weiner.<br/>
<br/>'House of Cads' is quite witty. And 'HemCock Grove' is, well, tolerable.<br/>
<br/>'But 'NetChinks' and 'Orange is The New Negro' were a step too far. Apparently this is censorship and these things are funny.'<br/>
<br/>'Yes funny to you and your two paid friends you fucking loser.'</p></div><br/>

Netflix Rejected Clarkson After he Demanded Name Change to 'NetChinks'

Netflix announced that Clarkson, Hammond snd May weren't worth the money they were asking for nor the reputation damage to the Netflix b...

Melanie Gayle Tells us Why She Reads The Morning Gerald

Celebrity, Entertainment, News 18:39

Melanie Gayle Tells us Why She Reads The Morning Gerald

Cheryl Syphilis-Macaroni Falls Through Grid

Celebrity, Entertainment, News 09:28

<div style="text-align: center; padding: 5px;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNnU-bPLnx7hdN-pMSEH1zLJ3IhsOFskF-HM_Go5xpw1AVxMRXFOirjun4ML_k-RVhUmfU1-daJKkTqSbY0yoAe800eJ5wh0SY-QJQTPWfll0kUBMALF1nITmL_aFINiRs3jLuR38V2mN0/"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNnU-bPLnx7hdN-pMSEH1zLJ3IhsOFskF-HM_Go5xpw1AVxMRXFOirjun4ML_k-RVhUmfU1-daJKkTqSbY0yoAe800eJ5wh0SY-QJQTPWfll0kUBMALF1nITmL_aFINiRs3jLuR38V2mN0/ cursor: pointer;" style="border: 1px solid; border-radius: 2px;padding: 5px; max-width: 320px " width="320px" /></a></div><div class="blogaway-section"><p>Cheryl has announced that body shaming should be outlawed as people express concern about her weight it was revealed.<br/>
<br/>Cheryl, who has been mourning the loss of her father, said 'I am healthy and ok. People deal with loss in different ways. I cope by stoppiiiiiiiiii-!'<br/>
<br/>It was at this point that Cheryl fell between the bars on a grid and disappeared into the sewers.<br/>
<br/>'She'll be fine down there' said council worker Geoff Kendall.<br/>
<br/>'Sarah Harding lives down there spending her time dipping her face into the noxious chemicals in the hope of a cheap face peel and lift.'<br/>
<br/>'And Nicola Roberts bleaches her skin in the effluent. She will fit right in.'</p></div><br/>

Cheryl Syphilis-Macaroni Falls Through Grid

Cheryl has announced that body shaming should be outlawed as people express concern about her weight it was revealed. Cheryl, who has been ...

Harry Styles Uses Twitter Power To Highlight Cruelty of Harry Styles

Celebrity, Entertainment, News 09:28

<div style="text-align: center; padding: 5px;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihKFN5XyPqK4f9scH8Jy42jOTeEqKTCmuUM6jd0eBgRVTa4toKHYT94rBTAcap9I8Vx5PAcbs0dF7RmkkvVu4kccTtv3osB-ICnbdP8roUM2fTQBfsvbyiVeK0sWiDAddUtFB7Lwlppftc/"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihKFN5XyPqK4f9scH8Jy42jOTeEqKTCmuUM6jd0eBgRVTa4toKHYT94rBTAcap9I8Vx5PAcbs0dF7RmkkvVu4kccTtv3osB-ICnbdP8roUM2fTQBfsvbyiVeK0sWiDAddUtFB7Lwlppftc/ cursor: pointer;" style="border: 1px solid; border-radius: 2px;padding: 5px; max-width: 320px " width="320px"></a></div><div class="blogaway-section"><p>Harry Styles has used twitter to raise awareness of the devastating impact on your life Harry Styles can have.<br>
<br>Warning his legion of teenage fans, he tweeted highlighting that there are other, more important things than him.<br>
<br><i>Don't forget, eating food is important otherwise you may die #StylesSays</i><br>
<br>This was his first. His second was just as direct:<br>
<br><i>Breathing in and out is more important than me. Though only just #StylesSays</i><br>
<br>His final tweet was, some have said, more bitter rant than useful lifestyle advice<br>
<br><i>Zayn is a lying, cheating little shitbag #StylesSays</i><br>
<br>On the whole, Styles has been lauded for trying to point out, in his own foppish haired way, that there are things happening in the world apart from him.<br>
<br>His fans though are reported to disagree though and are replying with the hashtag <i>#YoureWrongHarryButPleaseStillTouchUs</i><br>
<br>The conflict continues.</p></div><br>

Harry Styles Uses Twitter Power To Highlight Cruelty of Harry Styles

Harry Styles has used twitter to raise awareness of the devastating impact on your life Harry Styles can have. Warning his legion of teenag...

X-Factor Controversies Officially More Important than All Other Stuff

Celebrity, Entertainment, News, UK 08:41

<div style="text-align: center; padding: 5px;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5VT4fI7afSrCar6_0Aa4_yx49yK-L-xPCW6x5O091IiYqZcrCN5TenypBG1rgeM24knPiaGPMoW4gzt3d7LsqQjgVw2fWCd_xd6e3W6J7MZUoAh0HcZk-a3qxxSskTYOu9OxtYOTv8wcf/"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5VT4fI7afSrCar6_0Aa4_yx49yK-L-xPCW6x5O091IiYqZcrCN5TenypBG1rgeM24knPiaGPMoW4gzt3d7LsqQjgVw2fWCd_xd6e3W6J7MZUoAh0HcZk-a3qxxSskTYOu9OxtYOTv8wcf/ cursor: pointer;" style="border: 1px solid; border-radius: 2px;padding: 5px; max-width: 320px " width="320px" /></a></div><div class="blogaway-section"><p>Controversies over foreign girl bands and behind the scenes dust ups on The X Factor are officially more important that everything else that has ever happened newspapers are reporting today.<br/>
<br/>Headline news in various tabloid papers inform us if the dire consequences of cheating the public over bands asked to perform on the show.<br/>
<br/>'It's a joke to be honest' said X-Factor fan Ash Kennedy.<br/>
<br/>'There are sometimes stories in newspapers about some migrants or some people dying after their benefits were stopped.'<br/>
<br/>'But nobody cares. It's disgusting. The biggest story is that girl band that has won loads of talent contests. They were apparently invited to come on!'<br/>
<br/>'And they are all attractive. And we are all imagining some sort of incestuous 4-way lesbian hookup that, disgustingly, hasn't been featured in the papers yet!'<br/>
<br/>'And they call themselves 'news' papers. Bloody disgusting!'</p></div><br/>

X-Factor Controversies Officially More Important than All Other Stuff

Controversies over foreign girl bands and behind the scenes dust ups on The X Factor are officially more important that everything else that...