The Morning Gerald: UK

Corbyn Maliciously Wastes Food to Clap Old Soldiers

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Jeremy Corbyn maliciously, aggressively and purposely wasted food at the post-remembrance banquet by not turning up it has been claimed.</div>
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Deciding instead to clap veterans as they marched past and meet and greet them, an entire portion of ridiculous food went to waste.</div>
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'There's people starving in Africa you know' said Daily Mail columnist Giles Kunt.</div>
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'How dare he waste this delicious foie gras with truffle oil, roasted partridge in a port jus and fruit medley in 18 year old sherry?'</div>
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'Those brown people would love this stuff! The bastard. Taling to poor people who had the indignity to survive the wars that were meant to thin their numbers.'</div>
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'The scoundrel!'</div>

Corbyn Maliciously Wastes Food to Clap Old Soldiers

Jeremy Corbyn maliciously, aggressively and purposely wasted food at the post-remembrance banquet by not turning up it has been claim...

John Lewis Paedophile Dies From Low Oxygen, Pressure, Temperature

Business, News, Sci-Tech, UK 16:07

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The old man living on the Moon, who has been banished for touching far too many kids, has died from a combination of hypoxia, freezing and explosive decompression it has emerged.</div>
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As featured in this Christmas's John Lewis advert, the man began initially to struggle for breath.</div>
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'It looked quite horrific from the telescope I was watching him through' said Isla, a seven year old girl.</div>
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'I tried waving but he was too busy clutching his throat. It was then that I could see his fingers and limbs start to freeze solid around his neck.'</div>
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'He staggered towards what looked like a park bench but his movements became more and more robotic as he slowly froze.'</div>
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'Finally his stomach and guts exploded sending intestines flying off into space. He fell down backwards dead. Very, very dead.'</div>
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'Still, I've got a lovely spare telescope here!'</div>

John Lewis Paedophile Dies From Low Oxygen, Pressure, Temperature

The old man living on the Moon, who has been banished for touching far too many kids, has died from a combination of hypoxia, freezin...

David Cameron Uses Photoshopped Soul

News, Politics, UK 08:52

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David Cameron's soul is fake and is added to pictures and news footage after the fact it has been revealed.</div>
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Using photoshop and film editting software, a soul is pasted over his lifeless face to resemble a normal human being with normal feelings like compassion.</div>
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'His actions are such that we had no option' said digital artist Ash Kennedy.</div>
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'Nobody can look him deep in the eyes ordinarily without chanting their love for Beelzebub.'</div>
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'So we have to make him seem vaguely normal and have a face that looks like an innocuous piece of reformed ham rather than a demonic hell beast coming to steal money from the poor. So far it's working wonderfully.'</div>
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'Stupid people have voted for him in droves. Only to have their bank accounts emptied so a hedge fund manager can sacrifice a goat by fucking it to death. It's the Tory way.'</div>

David Cameron Uses Photoshopped Soul

David Cameron's soul is fake and is added to pictures and news footage after the fact it has been revealed. Using photoshop a...

Merseyside Police's Next Gig to Feature Paedo Jokes

News, Politics, UK 09:52

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Merseyside Police have apologised for engaging in rape banter over twitter it has been revealed.</div>
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Releasing a statement about the conduct of their social media team, Chief Inspector Sir Hugh Ordinary said 'This is not the conduct we expect from Merseyside Police Officers.'</div>
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'It wasn't funny in the slightest this behaviour. For that we are sorry. Usually we are far better at making light of such things.'</div>
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'Only last week I was chatting with a subordinate in the tea room when a female Inspector entered. We joked away about how she could gladly inspect my briefs. Then my colleague gave her a playful spank of the bum and of she went, crying. Daft bitch.'</div>
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'We want to assure the people of Merseyside that standards will rise. Wr have a great piece about PCSOs being paedophiles in disguise.'</div>
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'And the Matrix firearms unit will soon be dressing in black uniforms with leather knee boots and skulls on their hats. That's not a joke, just how they roll. Try not to be brown around them if you can.'</div>

Merseyside Police's Next Gig to Feature Paedo Jokes

Merseyside Police have apologised for engaging in rape banter over twitter it has been revealed. Releasing a statement about the ...

Fog Leads to General Relief That You Can't See London

News, Sci-Tech, UK 09:37

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The thick fog that has enveloped the UK today has lead over 8 million people to breathe a sigh of relief it has emerged.</div>
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The inability to see London has led to a jaunty spring in the step of Londoners.</div>
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Ash Kennedy, a bicycle courier from Clacton said 'This is best morning to go to work in ages.'</div>
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'I can't see any of the horrific sky scrapers. I can't see any of those bloody awful moving shuffling things on pavements. People! That's it, people.'</div>
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'But best of all I can't see any of the articulated lorries or buses that will inevitably kill me this morning with their general hatred for every other road user.'</div>
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'My death will be quick, peaceful and I won't see it coming. And I won't have to look into the faces of the gawping crowd that gathers round my increasingly lifeless body as they film my slow passing on their smartphones and somehow deem it appropriate to take selfies next to my corpse.'</div>
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'Wankers.'</div>

Fog Leads to General Relief That You Can't See London

The thick fog that has enveloped the UK today has lead over 8 million people to breathe a sigh of relief it has emerged. The inab...

Ghosts Dress Up As Psychic Sally & Derek Acorah for Halloween

Entertainment, News, UK 14:31

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Ghosts and poltergeists are dressing up as lunatics Psychic Sally and Derek Acorah for Halloween it has been announced.</div>
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A free floating apparition in Speke Hall, Liverpool called Geoff said 'It's traditional that you dress up as what scares you.'</div>
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'Well, Psychic Sally scares the shit out of me. She 'channels' the dead to inform the living of how they are coping with the afterlife.'</div>
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'Let me tell you, channelling is really painful! My arse isn't right for weeks afterwards. And Derek Acorah is just weird looking.'</div>
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'But scariest of all is how they scam money out of idiots to talk to ghosts like me because that isn't actually possible, on account of me being fictional.'</div>

Ghosts Dress Up As Psychic Sally & Derek Acorah for Halloween

Ghosts and poltergeists are dressing up as lunatics Psychic Sally and Derek Acorah for Halloween it has been announced. A free fl...

Benedict Cumberbitches About Politicians

Celebrity, Entertainment, News, Politics, UK 12:56

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Benedict Cumberbatch ended last night's performance of Hamlet with an impassioned plea for politicians to do more over the Syrian refugee crisis.</div>
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Cucumbersnatch, who often uses this platform to make appeals, turned the air blue with his pleas.</div>
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'Ignore the fucking politcians and give us your money' said Clungerflange, chanelling Bob Geldof.</div>
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'They are cunts all of them. Cunts, cunts, cunts, cunts, cunts, cunts, cunts' said the ever eloquent Chunderhatch.</div>
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'So please, I beg you, find your humanity and give money and write to politicians to help these poor, desperate people.'</div>
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Chandlerwax next stars in a self-penned west end play entitled 'The Search for a Less Ridiculous Surname.'</div>

Benedict Cumberbitches About Politicians

Benedict Cumberbatch ended last night's performance of Hamlet with an impassioned plea for politicians to do more over the Syrian...

Happy Camereen!

News, Politics, UK 12:57

Happy Camereen!

Special Tw*t Lanes Opened For Mercedes, BMW and Audi Drivers

Lifestyle, News, UK 13:05

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Motorways are to be widened to four lanes across the UK to accomodate drivers of expensive German cars it has been announced.</div>
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Drivers of Mercedes, BMW's and Audis will have their own lane next to the central reservation.</div>
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There they can travel at whatever speed they desire, drive only 4 inches from the car in front whilst going 110mph, flash their headlights spasmodically and uncontrollably and generally act like utter twats.</div>
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The need for this lane has grown in recent years as the middle aged men have acquired more wealth but not quite enough to buy themselves a Porsche.</div>
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This inferiority complex towards the richer man has seen an explosion in the sales of high spec German vehicles driven like bellends with a deathwish that everyone else wishes would just fuck off and die.</div>

Special Tw*t Lanes Opened For Mercedes, BMW and Audi Drivers

Motorways are to be widened to four lanes across the UK to accomodate drivers of expensive German cars it has been announced. Dri...

You've Been Reading The Independent Wrong

News, UK 11:55

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An article in The Independent has highlighted how, along with everything else you do on a daily basis according to recent articles, you are reading the paper wrong.</div>
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Along with a stream of clickbait articles entitled variously 'You are Washing the car/exercising/walking/eating/breathing/wanking wrong', there is advice on just how to read the paper.</div>
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'Since being taken over by a Russian billionaire who seems to want to turn it into a meme driven equivalent of the Daily Mail, the Independent should be read thusly:' said an article by Ash Kennedy, since removed from The Independent's website.</div>
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'Go in to a shop. Find the Independent. Poor coke, bottled water, washing up liquid, squirty cream, lighter fluid and vodka all over it, set fire to it, and dance a jig to the god of shit journalism.'</div>
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'Then leave realising that an erstwhile institution is dead and that the Guardian isn't far behind. Then cry and kill yourself.'</div>

You've Been Reading The Independent Wrong

An article in The Independent has highlighted how, along with everything else you do on a daily basis according to recent articles, y...

Lord Nobody Quits Labour and, Oh, Who Cares?!

News, Politics, UK 10:16

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Lord Warner, former minister for something ages ago under Tony Blair has resigned the Labour whip it has been announced.</div>
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After issuing a statement saying that Labour had lost their way and had become unelectable, journalists everywhere thanked the Lord for the written statement as they were short of toilet paper.</div>
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'This looks like 100gsm parchment embedded with aloe vera. My arse is going to to very happy later' said Ash Kennedy of the Guardian.</div>
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John Prescott was said to be indifferent to the news, asking if this news was important enough to disturb his third breakfast.</div>
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And Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn reportedly shrugged his shoulders and said 'Who?'</div>
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This is the latest none-blow to Corbyn that various news outlets and neo-cons are manufacturing in the hope of creating news from nothing.</div>

Lord Nobody Quits Labour and, Oh, Who Cares?!

Lord Warner, former minister for something ages ago under Tony Blair has resigned the Labour whip it has been announced. After is...

Will Self's New Statesman Column on Stewart Lee Breaks Twat Barometer

Lifestyle, News, UK 09:45

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Will Self has written a puff piece in the New Statesman on Stewart Lee and various instruments across the globe measuring the degree of wank in the world have exploded it has been revealed.</div>
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Professor Charles Langtree of The Felchfield Institute said 'My Twat barometer melted last night.'</div>
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'Then the Wankometer blew up followed by the Arse-i-flex erupting. I have never seen such behaviour on our instruments.'</div>
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'I knew from these actions some horrific trio of turd had occurred and upon investigation found the article.'</div>
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'Despite being politically in the same place, both myself and world instuments can't cope with the sheet volume of shite. There was a worrying wobble in Neptune's gravitational field at the same time.'</div>
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'If this causes the universe to implode, I'm going to be really, really annoyed.'</div>

Will Self's New Statesman Column on Stewart Lee Breaks Twat Barometer

Will Self has written a puff piece in the New Statesman on Stewart Lee and various instruments across the globe measuring the degree ...

Poor-Screwing Tories Screw Poor Shocker

News, Politics, UK 12:40

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The Conservative Party, whose election manifesto was 200 pages of 'We will screw the poor' written over and over again have shocked a voter by screwing the poor it has been revealed.</div>
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The woman, who appeared on Question Time and voted Conservative at the general election, broke down in tears after revealing she works extremely hard but her tax credits would be taken anyway.</div>
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'Can people not be arsed to read a thing anymore before making the most important decision they will make in a 5 year period?' said election commentator Ash Kennedy.</div>
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'Hundreds of thousands of the middle classes will be fucked by this law, which was mentioned in the manifesto, but they voted for it anyway.'</div>
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'So sob all you like, but you deserve everthing you get. Don't worry, if this means you won't be able to raise your kids, social services will step in.'</div>
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'Oh no they won't, because they have been cut too. Good luck!'</div>

Poor-Screwing Tories Screw Poor Shocker

The Conservative Party, whose election manifesto was 200 pages of 'We will screw the poor' written over and over again have s...

Mail Online 'News Only' Option Leads to Blank Page

Lifestyle, News, UK 12:32

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The Daily Mail's online paper, Mail Online, is to close it's news section after it became a blank page it has been revealed.</div>
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When first visitting the site, people are asked to choose News, Showbiz or both to be displayed. Clicking on news is now just a blank page.</div>
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'People want a different sort of news these days' said Mail editor Paul Dacre.</div>
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'They want to know just how much Kelly Brook's bikini costs and then buy it through our site. Or what Iggy Azalea had for breakfast. And buy her place setting through our site.'</div>
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'And what does a 15 year old actress like to wear for her premier and discuss how sexually mature and available she looks wearing a very adult dress. That you can buy through our site.'</div>
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'Politics, foreign affairs. Don't trouble yourself with such things. Just spend your money. On our site.'</div>

Mail Online 'News Only' Option Leads to Blank Page

The Daily Mail's online paper, Mail Online, is to close it's news section after it became a blank page it has been revealed. ...

Middle Class White Person Refuses to Accept Black Person Can be Racist

News, Politics, UK 15:18

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A left wing, white, middle class, middle aged man has refused to accept that a black woman was racist despite seeing video evidence of it, it has emerged.</div>
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After witnessing a video of a black woman racially abusing a muslim woman, Ash Kennedy, 37 from Cheshire, simply put his fingers in his ears and shouted 'La, la, la, la, la, this is not happening!'</div>
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'I'm sorry but no. It is I and my ilk, white people, who are responsible for all, not most, all the evil in the world.'</div>
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'Firstly, may I just apologise for being born. I am another white, patriarchal, oppressive, evil status quo maintaining bastard.'</div>
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'Secondly, that black woman will have been oppressed by me. Not others like me. No, me.'</div>
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'Thirdly, so has the Muslim woman. And so, in conclusion, this never happened and it's all my fault despite me never having been born when most of the screwing over of the world happened.'</div>
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'My fault, mine alone. And I have no idea by what you mean by white middle class guilt. Doesn't exist. You oppressing, honky cracker you!'</div>

Middle Class White Person Refuses to Accept Black Person Can be Racist

A left wing, white, middle class, middle aged man has refused to accept that a black woman was racist despite seeing video evidence o...

Wnkers 'The Lad Bible' Refuse to Stop Being Wnkers'

Entertainment, News, UK 14:51

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The Lad Bible, widely regarded as a cave of 90s lad nostalgia and stolen content have confirmed they will refuse to stop acting like wankers.</div>
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Speaking from as far inside his own arsehole as he can manage to reach, editor and publisher Alexander 'Solly' Solomou said 'I'm not paying for something I can get for free.'</div>
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'I don't pay for porn which I spend most of the day stroking my very small penis to before a tiny eruption of my scum soils my ridiculously expensive suit.'</div>
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'As far as I see it, content writers and producers are just porn actresses in disguise. Filthy whores who I can fap to and make money off.'</div>
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'So why shouldn't I cut and paste an article here, a video there if it makes me enough money to buy the Lamborghini Aventador I so desperately want whilst guffawing with my young Tory mates and spitting at poor people.'</div>
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'I've got money, you haven't and that's entirely your fault. Now fuck off.'</div>

W*nkers 'The Lad Bible' Refuse to Stop Being W*nkers'

The Lad Bible, widely regarded as a cave of 90s lad nostalgia and stolen content have confirmed they will refuse to stop acting like ...

Piers Morgan Continues to be Alive and Well

Lifestyle, News, UK 12:54

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Piers Morgan, journalist, presenter and cancerous tumour, is alive and well and still working it has been announced.</div>
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After his successful stint on Good Morning Britain where he demonstrated his unique ability to make everyone around him, without exception, despise the very atoms that make up his insipid, malignant pre-corpse, he is occupying his time trying to get his fat face back on TV.</div>
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'I don't know how he does it' said TV runner Ash Kennedy.</div>
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'Every day I pray to all of the gods I don't believe in that he will not be there in the studio waiting.'</div>
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'I pray he will not demand his coffee in the most pernickity way, or his hair be done in a style that makes him look like the paedophile he probably is.'</div>
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'I pray he won't talk down to everyone but when someone criticises him takes it to heart, exposing his paper thin skin and utter hypocrisy.'</div>
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'I pray he will just die in a horrific car crash that also involves Chris Tarrant and Noel Edmonds and a collection of plague rats covered in dogshit. Is that too much to ask?'</div>

Piers Morgan Continues to be Alive and Well

Piers Morgan, journalist, presenter and cancerous tumour, is alive and well and still working it has been announced. After his su...

SNP Conference Welcomes English Journos With Haggis Crumble & Custard

News, Politics, UK 12:37

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As the SNP conference gets into full swing with Nicola Sturgeon giving a rousing speech, London based journalists have been welcomed with open arms in Aberdeen.</div>
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English journalists from the BBC, ITV and Sky have been treated to a special reception laid on in their honour.</div>
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'This is a thank you from us to them' said delegate Charlie Guthrie.</div>
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'During the referendum they squarely refused to report our opinion as the neutral opinion and as such we say they were biased tae fuck.'</div>
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'So as a loving gesture, we have prepard haggis crumble with custard, neaps amd tatties with jelly and crispy batter that has been deep fried, dipped in batter again. And deep fried.'</div>
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'Now eat it. Eat it all. Eat it all you english cunts. If you don't, you're fucking racist.'</div>

SNP Conference Welcomes English Journos With Haggis Crumble & Custard

As the SNP conference gets into full swing with Nicola Sturgeon giving a rousing speech, London based journalists have been welcomed ...

Bradford Family Heads for Late Summer Holiday in Syria

Lifestyle, News, UK 09:24

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A family from Bradford have taken the unusual decision to take their summer holiday in October it has emerged.</div>
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The Ameen family, with children aged 5-15, have headed to Turkey and are on their way to Syria as we speak.</div>
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'Syria is so pretty at this time of year' said Mr. Ameen.</div>
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'It's not quite as hot and the autumnal climate is beautiful. The hills and mountains come alive in October.'</div>
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'But most importantly, cultural events really get going. We can't wait to see the traditional Invasion of the Village followed by the Beheading of the Infidel and Rape of the Women.'</div>
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'Our hosts for our holiday, a lovely group of chaps who would love their own country, have promised to show us round, provide lots of lamb and hotels during our stay.'</div>
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'And as a bonus, we get free assault rifle training, advanced bomb making courses and, for the kids, the Junior Jihad Jumping Jacks course, which sound fun!'</div>

Bradford Family Heads for Late Summer Holiday in Syria

A family from Bradford have taken the unusual decision to take their summer holiday in October it has emerged. The Ameen family, ...

Corbyn Refuses to Acknowledge Gravity

News, Politics, UK 09:15

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With Jeremy Corbyn's cabinet infighting, no media strategy and a parliamentary party in disarray, the latest news from inside the shadow cabinet is Mr. Corbyn's refusal to acknowledge gravity.</div>
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Speaking on condition of anonymity, Stella Creasey said 'His ability to ignore things that are right in front of him is amazing.'</div>
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'He may hate the media. We all do. It's right wing, hateful and a burden that is beyond annoying, but it's there, it's one of the best ways to get our message across and we should utilise it.'</div>
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'But he refuses to talk to the media, ignores it and hopes it goes away. Well, after seeing his ball sack in the mirror, he now refuses to acknowledge gravity also.'</div>
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'Problematic, what with it keeping the universe together. One could say he's lost all grip with reality. But the members support him and they have in no way entered into some cult like, Jesus following mass delusion.'</div>
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'You were loved whilst you lasted Labour.'</div>

Corbyn Refuses to Acknowledge Gravity

With Jeremy Corbyn's cabinet infighting, no media strategy and a parliamentary party in disarray, the latest news from inside the...