Piers Morgan, journalist, presenter and cancerous tumour, is alive and well and still working it has been announced.
After his successful stint on Good Morning Britain where he demonstrated his unique ability to make everyone around him, without exception, despise the very atoms that make up his insipid, malignant pre-corpse, he is occupying his time trying to get his fat face back on TV.
'I don't know how he does it' said TV runner Ash Kennedy.
'Every day I pray to all of the gods I don't believe in that he will not be there in the studio waiting.'
'I pray he will not demand his coffee in the most pernickity way, or his hair be done in a style that makes him look like the paedophile he probably is.'
'I pray he won't talk down to everyone but when someone criticises him takes it to heart, exposing his paper thin skin and utter hypocrisy.'
'I pray he will just die in a horrific car crash that also involves Chris Tarrant and Noel Edmonds and a collection of plague rats covered in dogshit. Is that too much to ask?'