A hedge fund has bought the rights to Lemsip and Lucozade and raised the price to extortionate levels it has been announced.
Ash Kennedy, a 27 year old American, has bought the popular cold and flu remedy and the orange bottled childhood cure all and says he needs to see a return on his investment.
'If you need a packet or bottle, you owe us three children. We will look after them and teach them new skills like building iPhones with their toes whilst sewing sportswear.'
'We will think of something they can be doing with their teetch also so they are truly productive.'
'Meanwhile, you can be safe in the knowledge that once their fingers are too big for the really fiddly bits, we will return your child and they will be fully formed and functioning members of our dronr workforce.'
'They won't remember who you are of course. That's beaten out of them in the first week along with self preservation, love and the need for companionship.'
'It's not cruel as some are saying. There is money to be made and superyachts to be bought.'