Andy Burnhams's eyebrows, which enter a room 17 minutes before the rest of him, have emerged as the frontrunner for the Labour leadership.
In an act of physical truth, the eyebrows are the front runner by virtue of being so far ahead of the rest of his face.
'We are pleased with this position of prominence' said the eyebrows.
'It is also essential to our leadership bid that, as a pair of hairy bushes, we have no discernible views or beliefs and head in whatever direction we are pointed at the time.
'And as far as we can tell, that's an indispensable quality in any political leader. No actual convictions, just bouncing off opposing walls of public despair. We can do that.'