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| Announcing their candidacy |
All 65 million British residents have announced their candidacy for the Labour party it emerged today.
In a sign that the situation may be getting out of hand and too many people are running, we spoke to new born baby Finley about why he was standing.
'Labour lost this election because there were not enough policies relating to how rough the gauze they just used to rub all the amniotic fluid and blood off me is. It's like fucking sand paper. Softer gauze for a softer Britain.'
And Albert Hoover, 97 from Whitby announced his candidacy with the following speech.
'I've just shat myself. Will someone please clean me up. And use the soft gauze, not that rough stuff. Softer gauze for a softer Britain.'
Realising that many candidacies were related to skin comfort, Andy Burnham said 'If I'm Prime Minister one day, all toilet rolls will be infused with shea butter, gauze will be made from the wings of pixies and anyone named Michael Gove will be forcibly renamed 'Cunt'.
'Now please all of you, stand down and pick me. Please. Please?'