Collections for, amongst other things, birthdays are to be the main source of income for people it has been announced.
As the workplace moves from a couple of quid per person per birthday to a tenner or more, salaries are to be replaced by collections.
'It's a lump sum that I've got to make stretch through the year' said office worker Ash Kennedy.
'My take home pay of £1200 per month usually leaves me with about 17p after all the collections.'
'There's birthdays, anniversaries, leaving for a new job, leaving for pregnancy, leaving for looking at pornography on work's computers.'
'Then there are Christenings, funerals that aren't your boss, new car celebrations, car write off commiserations, illness, fake illness, really fake illness ('tummy trouble'), promotions, demotions, sideways moves and career breaks.'
'So just give me a lump sum of part of everyone else's salary that roughly equates to what I earn and I will spread it out over the year.'
'Or, alternatively, we could keep our money and STOP CELEBRATING BULLSHIT!!'