Aquarius (20 Jan - 19
Feb)
That plastic lemon you have bought for pancakes and sweetening cake? I've pissed in it.
Pisces (20 Feb - 20
Mar)
Confucius say 'Eat many pies, get fat stomach'. Try eating fewer pies. And pizzas. Maybe eat a salad. You know, those leaves you buy in bags, not the ones on the floor.
Aries (21 Mar - 19 Apr)
A short grey haired man with a grey beard wants to get to know you and your family. But you will say no. Because it's Gary Glitter.
Taurus (20 Apr – 20
May)
Find BBC Newsreader Huw Evans and follow him. Everywhere. Emerge from behind bushes and say with a slight welsh lilt 'Tonight on BBC News.' Hide in his bathroom and when he is having a shit emerge from behind the shower curtain and say 'Now, the sport.'
Gemini (21 May - 20
Jun)
Build a bogey mountain. First thing in the morning clean out the really crusty ones and put them on your bedside table. Do this for a year. Show friends and family. Charge others to see it.
Cancer (21 Jun - 22
Jul)
Your third half-cousin,
twice removed that you didn't know you had from Australia has died.
Leo (23 Jul - 22 Aug)
Kylie Minogue called and said she had a dream about someone who looks just like you and that she wanted to meet you and marry you. I told her to fuck off.
Virgo (23 Aug - 22 Sep)
You spaghetti bolognese has a secret ingredient in it. Can you guess what it? That's right! It's Piers Morgan!
Libra (23 Sep - 23 Oct)
Your mother thinks your
father may be wandering and looking at other women. Don't talk to her
about it because she wants you to talk to your dad about his erectile
problems.
Scorpio (24 Oct - 21
Nov)
Yours in the sexiest of signs, the sign of lust and sex. You stars indicate love, power and indulgence with a beautiful woman. Why are you such an ugly cunt then?
Sagittarius (22 Nov -
21 Dec)
You star sign is being
deleted. From now on please consider being a Scorpio or a Capricorn.
Seriously, we just put yours in for a laugh. Sagittarius? No such
thing.
Capricorn (22 Dec - 19
Jan)
Ohhh, this is the
twelfth one of these I've got to write. I can't think of any more
bullshit that wont happen. Wear a scarf, it's cold out. Yeah, that'll
do.
