The Morning Gerald: Horo

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Aquarius (20 Jan - 19
Feb)</div>
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That plastic lemon
you have bought for pancakes and sweetening cake? I've pissed in it.</div>
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Pisces (20 Feb - 20
Mar)</div>
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Confucius say 'Eat
many pies, get fat stomach'. Try eating fewer pies. And pizzas. Maybe
eat a salad. You know, those leaves you buy in bags, not the ones on
the floor.</div>
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Aries (21 Mar - 19 Apr)</div>
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A short grey haired
man with a grey beard wants to get to know you and your family. But
you will say no. Because it's Gary Glitter.</div>
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Taurus (20 Apr – 20
May)</div>
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Find BBC Newsreader
Huw Evans and follow him. Everywhere. Emerge from behind bushes and
say with a slight welsh lilt 'Tonight on BBC News.' Hide in his
bathroom and when he is having a shit emerge from behind the shower
curtain and say 'Now, the sport.'</div>
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Gemini (21 May - 20
Jun)</div>
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Build a bogey
mountain. First thing in the morning clean out the really crusty ones
and put them on your bedside table. Do this for a year. Show friends
and family. Charge others to see it.</div>
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Cancer (21 Jun - 22
Jul)</div>
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Your third half-cousin,
twice removed that you didn't know you had from Australia has died.</div>
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Leo (23 Jul - 22 Aug)</div>
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Kylie Minogue
called and said she had a dream about someone who looks just like you
and that she wanted to meet you and marry you. I told her to fuck
off.</div>
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Virgo (23 Aug - 22 Sep)</div>
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You spaghetti
bolognese has a secret ingredient in it. Can you guess what it?
That's right! It's Piers Morgan!</div>
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Libra (23 Sep - 23 Oct)</div>
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Your mother thinks your
father may be wandering and looking at other women. Don't talk to her
about it because she wants you to talk to your dad about his erectile
problems.</div>
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Scorpio (24 Oct - 21
Nov)</div>
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Yours in the
sexiest of signs, the sign of lust and sex. You stars indicate love,
power and indulgence with a beautiful woman. Why are you such an ugly
cunt then?</div>
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Sagittarius (22 Nov -
21 Dec)</div>
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You star sign is being
deleted. From now on please consider being a Scorpio or a Capricorn.
Seriously, we just put yours in for a laugh. Sagittarius? No such
thing. 
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Capricorn (22 Dec - 19
Jan)</div>
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Ohhh, this is the
twelfth one of these I've got to write. I can't think of any more
bullshit that wont happen. Wear a scarf, it's cold out. Yeah, that'll
do.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0Rej9dKLq84kSWDKAJetL3MHIMc0POC_6LDIYHI9MkNGVRPTBUEmUqqVkY_JUSF5USQqRE0EuusEHujnREYLDY1symSKJBPzM-KI4eZttQHVkWSu8njWcU4iDi8CCP3XWpDa1uq0UdQ2J/s1600/drag+queen-2.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0Rej9dKLq84kSWDKAJetL3MHIMc0POC_6LDIYHI9MkNGVRPTBUEmUqqVkY_JUSF5USQqRE0EuusEHujnREYLDY1symSKJBPzM-KI4eZttQHVkWSu8njWcU4iDi8CCP3XWpDa1uq0UdQ2J/s1600/drag+queen-2.gif" width="249" /></a></div>
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Horoscopes with Veritas Vicky

Aquarius (20 Jan - 19 Feb) That plastic lemon you have bought for pancakes and sweetening cake? I've pissed in it. Pisces (20 Fe...

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Aquarius (20 Jan - 19 Feb)</div>
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Your mother called. For the fourth time this week. Why not pick up the phone and call the woman who carried you for 9 months and whose fanny you destroyed with your massive, swollen head?</div>
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Pisces (20 Feb - 20 Mar)</div>
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Your moon is rising. Pull up your trousers and get a tighter belt. Nobody wants to see that.</div>
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Aries (21 Mar - 19 Apr)</div>
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You can't get quicker than a Kwik Fit fitter. They're the boys to trust.</div>
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Taurus (20 Apr – 20 May)</div>
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Go to work in a pin-striped shirt and red braces. Then walk up to a phone in the middle of the office and scream 'Sell, sell, sell!!!'. Then cackle and wander off.</div>
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Gemini (21 May - 20 Jun)</div>
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That spare space-saver tyre you have in your car is good at keeping the kids quiet. I inserted it into my sons face last week and haven't heard a peep out of him since.</div>
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Cancer (21 Jun - 22 Jul)</div>
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You're really proud of the wireless mouse you bought for your PC. Then you lose it and cry. Just have one with a cable, you twat.</div>
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Leo (23 Jul - 22 Aug)</div>
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Will.I.Am turned down the oppotunity to be your godfather. He wanted to tattoo his name on your forehead and your dad told him to fuck off. That's why you hate your dad.</div>
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Virgo (23 Aug - 22 Sep)</div>
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Glittering in the distance, the sparkle of the brilliant sky-diamond beckons you towards its eternal light; it brushes your face and it's cool, hard edge wakens you. A tickle in the nose, you sneeze, and you open your eyes to see a coffee table and a massive cloud of last nights' cocaine.</div>
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Libra (23 Sep - 23 Oct)</div>
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'Ne-ever forget where you're coming from!' Belgium? Ignore that. See a therapist. Quickly.</div>
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Scorpio (24 Oct - 21 Nov)</div>
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There is a dream job out there just for you. Don't give up. Keep your dreams alive. You too will one day be a chicken eviscerator.</div>
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Sagittarius (22 Nov - 21 Dec)</div>
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Your sullen demeanour is due to the cold wintery weather. Try bathing yourself in bright light to boost your mood. Stare right at the sun, that should do it.</div>
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Capricron (22 Dec - 19 Jan)</div>
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Just lie there, dormant. Work can wait. Go on, relax. Have one off the wrist.<br />
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Horoscopes with Veritas Vicky

Aquarius (20 Jan - 19 Feb) Your mother called. For the fourth time this week. Why not pick up the phone and call the woman who car...