Aquarius (20 Jan - 19 Feb)
Your mother called. For the fourth time this week. Why not pick up the phone and call the woman who carried you for 9 months and whose fanny you destroyed with your massive, swollen head?
Pisces (20 Feb - 20 Mar)
Your moon is rising. Pull up your trousers and get a tighter belt. Nobody wants to see that.
Aries (21 Mar - 19 Apr)
You can't get quicker than a Kwik Fit fitter. They're the boys to trust.
Taurus (20 Apr – 20 May)
Go to work in a pin-striped shirt and red braces. Then walk up to a phone in the middle of the office and scream 'Sell, sell, sell!!!'. Then cackle and wander off.
Gemini (21 May - 20 Jun)
That spare space-saver tyre you have in your car is good at keeping the kids quiet. I inserted it into my sons face last week and haven't heard a peep out of him since.
Cancer (21 Jun - 22 Jul)
You're really proud of the wireless mouse you bought for your PC. Then you lose it and cry. Just have one with a cable, you twat.
Leo (23 Jul - 22 Aug)
Will.I.Am turned down the oppotunity to be your godfather. He wanted to tattoo his name on your forehead and your dad told him to fuck off. That's why you hate your dad.
Virgo (23 Aug - 22 Sep)
Glittering in the distance, the sparkle of the brilliant sky-diamond beckons you towards its eternal light; it brushes your face and it's cool, hard edge wakens you. A tickle in the nose, you sneeze, and you open your eyes to see a coffee table and a massive cloud of last nights' cocaine.
Libra (23 Sep - 23 Oct)
'Ne-ever forget where you're coming from!' Belgium? Ignore that. See a therapist. Quickly.
Scorpio (24 Oct - 21 Nov)
There is a dream job out there just for you. Don't give up. Keep your dreams alive. You too will one day be a chicken eviscerator.
Sagittarius (22 Nov - 21 Dec)
Your sullen demeanour is due to the cold wintery weather. Try bathing yourself in bright light to boost your mood. Stare right at the sun, that should do it.
Capricron (22 Dec - 19 Jan)
Just lie there, dormant. Work can wait. Go on, relax. Have one off the wrist.
