The Morning Gerald's Fasion Editor, Joss McCartney, on the best tips for the awards season:
With this Sunday's BAFTA ceremony edging ever closer, the army of A list stars will be more aware of their image than ever. Here is our handy guide on how to look good and nail red carpet chic.
1) Try not to vomit.
The dress that Prada have supplied you is only on loan and they want it back. Although you will have spent the past three weeks retching to get into the UK size 6 dress, it's best if you stop once on the red carpet. Barf dribbling down your chin and onto the chiffon is not this spring's look. Avoid.
2) Smile.
You have spent over £20,000 getting the perfectly adequate teeth you were born with minutely straightened, capped, crowned, whitened, polished and fumigated. Show them off and make normal people feel slightly less good about themselves.
3) Maintain bowel control.
The starvation diet you have been maintaining will have led to dire lower intestinal spasms. It is essential that you clench your sphincter and keep any noxious materials inside. If that is too much of a struggle, shit yourself in one big, long stream of biochemical effluent. That way you get it out of the way and can concentrate on enjoying the rest of your evening, albeit with cack soaked clothing.
4) Stand up.
The proles want to see you. Don't bring a chair with you to the red carpet. Stand up and look at cameras. Sitting down will lead to crumpling and possible bowel problems (see 3).
5) Breathe in AND out.
Above all else, this is our best tip. After filling your lungs with air, remember to empty them afterwards. Failing to do this could lead to dizziness, unconciousness and death. This is not a good look as you tend to change colour when dead and this will clash with the Vivien Westwood you are wearing. Could also lead to bowel problems (see 3)
6) See 3.
So there you have it, our essential guide to looking and staying glam this awards season.
