Embattled FIFA President Sepp Blatter had some happy news to announce today.
It has long been rumoured that he was in a new relationship and today he announced that he had married Robert Mugabe.
'Robert and I are very happy.' said Blatter. 'We first met at the African Nations Cup and he gave me a playful wink. After that we couldn't keep our hands off each other. He is a very gentle lover.'
Blatter also said their relationship has had other positive effects for them both.
'My wife Robert has advised me on election technique and how to ensure my victory at the forthcoming FIFA presidential elections. My previous campaigns involved paying people but I didn't know that threatening, intimidating and murdering them worked better. Robert is a wonderful advisor. He recommends water boarding, the little tease.'
The announcement has led to David Ginola withdrawing from contention. He stated 'No amount of silver fox sexy smouldering can compete with smashing peoples thumbs with hammers.'
