David Cameron and George Osborne have been using insider information to run their general election campaign it has emerged.
Using an informant by the name of Clarence Beeks, they arranged for Ed Milliband to be elected leader of the Labour Party. They also made millions on Frozen Concentrated Orange Juice it emerged.
Secretly recorded audio footage has been unearthed that allegedly shows Cameron and Osbourne discussing deal.
'I bet we can get a gawky, nerdy spanner with the social graces of an epileptic northerner to be leader of the opposition and run a dire election campaign' the voice allegedly belonging to Cameron says.
The voice that is supposedly Osborne says 'I'll take that bet. For the usual amount. A pound. But what if he defies expectations and does well and looks like he may be the next Prime Minister?'
The Cameron voice says 'Do you really think I would let a Jew run our country George?'
The investigation is proceeding.