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| Kevin |
James Bond is in fact a pseudonym it was revealed today.
Britain's top agent and number one bastard changed his name after being bullied at Eton and Fettes it has emerged.
'My real name is much less cool' said Mr. Bond.
'It's Plimpton. Kevin Plimpton. Kevin Cecil Plimpton.'
'I got the shit kicked out of me on a regular basis for having such a working class first name. So I changed it.'
We spoke to some of Bond's former contacts and colleagues to get their reaction.
'Is it possible to un-shag someone?' said Miss Pussy Galore.
'I mean seriously. All my flying angels will rip the piss now. 'You shagged a Kevin! You shagged a Kevin!' Great'
'Maybe I should change my name to Marjorie Bennett just to piss him off.'
And Vespa Lynd was full of similar regret when we caught up with her outside a bank in Venice.
'Kevin? KEVIN? Fucking KEVIN?!? No. No, I'm sorry, I can't love someone called Kevin.'
'No, fuck it, I'm going to go and drown myself in a collapsing building. No. No way. Nope.'