Internet imageboard 4chan has been revealed as the source of information that will lead to eternal life.
Professor Charles Langtree of Felchfield Polytechnic said 'We have done an extensive study.'
He continued 'We found what are the 3 Commandments of Eternal Rejuvenation:
1) OP Will Deliver
2) This (Insert Anything Here) Gave Me Cancer
3) Jet Fuel Can't Melt Steel Beams.
We aren't sure how we are meant to apply them to everyday life just yet but our studies show that there is a special resonance around them.'
But Professor Langtree had a note of caution.
'Spend too long there in the cauldron of 4chan and you will burn.
You will run screaming 'My eyes, my eyes, they're burning. I can't fucking un-see that. Just kill me now!''
Professor Charles Langtree of Felchfield Polytechnic said 'We have done an extensive study.'
He continued 'We found what are the 3 Commandments of Eternal Rejuvenation:
1) OP Will Deliver
2) This (Insert Anything Here) Gave Me Cancer
3) Jet Fuel Can't Melt Steel Beams.
We aren't sure how we are meant to apply them to everyday life just yet but our studies show that there is a special resonance around them.'
But Professor Langtree had a note of caution.
'Spend too long there in the cauldron of 4chan and you will burn.
You will run screaming 'My eyes, my eyes, they're burning. I can't fucking un-see that. Just kill me now!''