The cheapest theme park tickets available will now come with a guaranteed bout of Norovirus.
Costing £45 per person, the cheapest tickets include a meal deal where the only food offered is an underdone burger and there is a compulsory hug from someone who has been handling raw chicken.
Head of the Theme Park Trade Association, Billy Steel, said 'Our members demanded action.'
He continued 'The basic tickets only pay for all the rides, overheads, all costs and a reasonable profit for the owners.'
'They don't want reasonable. They want huge profit.'
'So unless you buy the MegaTicket which is 30% more and guarantees at least one ride irrespective of queues (limited to select rides; The Teacups. And that's it.) then we will give you a weeks worth of the shits.'
'Oh and our toilets on site are a pound per visit.'
