The Belzebub of the turtle world has said he will wipe out all life on Earth.
Jeff Lucifer, 127 from Clacton-on-Sea, said 'I have come to wipe out humanity.'
He continued 'You have spoilt this earth and will pay. Then all other life will pay for not standing up to you.'
We asked the planet's scariest mercenaries for protection and help to survive.
'It's quite simple.' said Miles Goteburg, former Major with the SAS.
'If Jeff approaches you, just walk away. Quite slowly. Whilst flicking him the V's.'
He continued 'What's he going to do, charge you? Even if he catches you, he kills you by scraping you to death with his feet.'
'I let him rage on my back for an entire night and woke feeling like I'd had the best massge ever. I had one very small graze.'
'But if by some miracle he actually kills people, come October, put him in a box with some hay.'
'Then forget about him until the following August and Hey Presto! problem solved.'
'It's how Blue Peter got rid of George.'