The Queen has abdicated naming Jim Bowen as her successor.
In a written statement, the Queen said 'With advancing years I find myself unable to fulfill my duties of waving and cutting ribbons to the best of my ability.'
'My hereditary successor insists on forgetting we are a democracy and thinks his loony ideas should be enacted.'
'He is also aloof, distant and an utter arse.'
'Britain needs a down to earth monarch with whom the people can relate but has no discernible thoughts of his own.'
'I therefore name Jim Bowen King James III of the United Kingdom. May God bless him and all who sail on him.'