A genuinely productice use is still to be found for the Daily Mail it emerged today.
Favoured by the over 60s as a 'quality' alternative to the Daily Mirror and The Sun and who are too scared to attempt The i, the contents of the paper have been analysed for constructive value.
'We studied the paper from its inception until now using news scanning technology and a language algorithm' said Professor Charles Langtree of Felchfield Polytechnic.
'Apart from promoting the Stephen Lawrence justice campaign, the paper has no discernible value.'
'We decided we had to find a use for it so we tried various options.'
'We can confirm it is too slippery to be used as toilet paper. After several wipes the best we could muster were a few smears of shit across Simon Heffer's and Peter Hitchin's faces.'
'We were able to use it to mop up a huge, rancid, fetid puddle of bin juice though. So that's something.'