Chris Evans will be the new host of Top Gear it was announced yesterday.
After promising the nation he would not take the role even if he was asked, Evans performed a typical volte-face and ignored the wishes of everyone except his accountant.
'The nightmare keeps getting worse' said Ash Kennedy, Top Gear fanatic.
'First we lose Clarkson, who has been like a father to me. And by that I mean largely absent and casually racist like my actual father.'
'Then this boiling mound of cunt takes over. A man with no self-possession or humility.'
'I can't take it anymore. I'm off to drown myself in a vat of WD-40 whilst wanking myself off with an exhaust pipe.'