On the first day of Labour, my true love gave to me, a crushing sense of more Tory.
Or at least that is what we can expect in 2020.
The Labour party have their four leadership contenders and party members acknowledge it is basically choose your favourite STD.
'What a horrific choice' said Ash Kennedy, party activist and campaigner.
'First there is Jeremy Corbyn who seems to think it's 1972 and the latter half if the 20th century, let alone 15 years of the 21st, never happened.'
'Then there is the bland tedium of Yvette Cooper who knows she stands for Labour and maybe can narrow that down to Newish Labour but has been part of the party machine for so long she no longer has any opinion or personality.'
'There's Liz Kendall who wishes it was 1997 all over again and secretly wants Tony to shag her.'
'And finally Andy Burnham who is basically a used car salesman saying anything and everything to win.'
'What a cluster of cunts.'
'We're all fucked. I'm off to slash my wrists with a blunt ruler. Maybe I will feel something.'