Pensioners are to recieve bionic implants alongside their next generation drugs to make them virtually invincible it has been announced.
The latest development is retina implants to not only enhance the vision of those with degeneration, but to allow them to see beyond the visual spectrum into ultraviolet and infrared.
'Basically I'm like the Predator' said Alf Crumble.
'You can hide from me when I ask you to go and pick up a pint of milk for me, but I can see your heat bloom. The ultraviolet lets me see you have an unfortunate jizz stain on your trousers.'
'And the x-ray vision lets me see where you are hiding and how much loose change you have so I can claim poverty and make you buy the milk instead.'
But this is causing intergenerational problems.
'I'm skint!' said Ash Kennedy, a victim of his parents longevity.
'They bought a house for fuck all, had secure jobs all their lives and now are going to live forever. Meanwhile, I'm stuck renting an expensive shithole with a crap job and burger related morbid obesity.'
'Can they not all just fucking die and give us their massive wodges of cash?'