After Home Secretary Teresa May banned Boris Johnson from deploying the Water cannons he had bought crom Germany, The Mayor of London is now looking to use sonic weapons for crowd control.
Described as 'a perpetual sonic interference and confusion device', Mr. Johnson's vocal cords will attempt to disrupt and disperse a crowd.'
'We think the sheer amount of bumbling, cadence changes and utter shite that emits forth from Mr. Johnson's mouth will be enough to control even the most agitated of crowds' said Professor Charles Langtree, sonic expert at Felchfield Polytechnic.
'It appears his professional confusion is captivating even to the most ardent riotter. Nobody can quite believe that anyone can be that idiotic. They're convinced it must be an act'
'You know, an overpaid, over-employed, knowing klutz who crashes from job to job in the hope people feel sorry for the gobshite and vote for him.'