Labour party vetting of new members amounts to a call or text saying simply 'Are you a nice person?' it was revealed yesterday.
'What we will do is expel anyone who answers no' said Labour membership secretary Hugh Bramley.
'Those who are silent will be assumed to be nuns and therefore pious and pure and obvious Labour voters.
'And if they say yes they will be removed from the party. But not before asking them four times if they are really sure and offering them money to stay.'
'And only then will we expel them. Except we will probably let them stay. I can't bring myself to be horrible to anyone. Would you like to sleep with my wife?'