In the final stages of the Labour leadership campaign, Andy Burnham has announced that only he can lead Labour to victory in 2020.
Speaking from his Wigan constituency home, Burnham said 'I admit, I have no ideas. But let me have it. Please. I've tried twice now.'
'Are you basically saying that a 60 something old man has more about him than a middle aged virile man like me?'
'I can offer you a big bushy monobrow. And some old speeches by Tony Blair. And a team of people that have failed to win two general elections.'
'I have precisely zero originality and no imagination. My name is to be changed to Labour. And the only word I will be able to say will be Labour.'
'So, for a Labour future, Labour Labour Andy Labour. Labour.'
