High profile former Tory cabinet minister Leon Brittan today revealed how he will be able to avoid ever attending court or serving a prison sentence if he was found guilty of historic sex offences.
'I have been working day and night with my legal representatives and board of advisors and we have found what seems like a fool-proof loophole' said Brittan.
'We have decided that my heart will stop beating and this will render me inert. Some describe it as 'dead' but we feel that sounds too final'.
'By existing in this inert state, or 'dead' if you prefer, I will not have to answer for any actions, legal or illegal, from the past.'
'It does have a rather negative effect on our holidaying in the Italian Riviera though'.