New scrolls have been un-earthed in Israel which say that eating fish is just a joke and should be tried on friends and family to see if they will do it.
Described as a variation on the old 'lets see if foreigners will eat testicles / eyes / arses' joke, fish was never meant to be consumed.
A translation of the scroll reads as follows:
'The creature known as fish, with its manky scales and bulging eyes is unclean. For doth it not swim in its own piss and shit? And lo, do not eat it, as it is properly fucking gross.'
It continues 'But if your kin doth take the piss out of your crap job, small house and 1 litre chariot, feed them fish and laugh as they feel compelled to eat it.'
It has emerged that this secret has in fact been known the clergy since the time of Jesus. It is perpetuated to this day because the Archbishop of Canterbury gets a backhander from Birds Eye.
A passage from his diary that was secretly photographed and passed to The Morning Gerald says 'Today's payment of £40,000 is most welcome. I can't believe people still eat those horrible creatures. I'm off to eat half a cow.'
