Richard Hammond and James May have placed an advert in The Stage, Spotlight and Gumtree for a new co-presenter to partner with.
The ad, submitted by their agents in the wake of the Jeremy Clarkson scandal reads thus:
'WANTED: Sarcastic, verbose, larger than life middle aged man with ability to offend by just breathing to front motoring entertainment show.
In return you will receive two co-presenters. One suffers from restricted height, is a ball of energy but has no discernible wit or opinions of his own. May crash when driving in straight lines.
The other is autistic and struggles with social situations. Is quite witty and knowledgeable, however refuses to run because he looks like a girl. Combined they make up one ordinary human being
Your job is to shepherd them through a difficult transition and provide enough entertainment for them to be awarded the occasional spin off show based entirely on the Top Gear audience watching.'
We asked their agents why this advert was placed already.
'The hunt for coattails is a long and arduous one. We need just the right person to boost our clients profiles. Names have been bandied around. Chris Evans has been mentioned but he is an arrogant, unhumble cunt. We need a new, fresh face to offend the public.'