The World Health Organisation has announced a miracle cure for everything.
Sudocrem, the soothing ointment for cuts, grazes and burning anus, has been found to possess miracle properties.
Professor Charles Langtree of Felchfield Polytechnic said 'Liberal application of Sudocrem across the body can cure all manner of ailments.'
He continued 'Kidney disease, pancreatitis, cirrhosis and Crohns disease can all be cured through liberal application of Sudocrem.'
'It can even cure HIV. We can inject it intravenously and within days the patient will show no signs of the virus.'
We asked Professor Langtree how many people he had cured so far and what the success rate was.
'Oh nobody so far. When I was a boy my mother always put it everywhere for virtually any afflication so I just assumed it was miracle cream. Isn't it?'