In the wake of the Jeremy Clarkson punching incident, the BBC have been quick to renew their flagship programme.
A new series has been commissioned in which a bland and inoffensive accountant in an off the peg suit sits at a country kitchen table and reads aloud from Top Gear magazine.
Giles Unicorn, commisioning editor, said 'This is a unique opportunity for us to renew an old and stale format.'
He continued 'This new format will inform and entertain as before but will be safe and family friendly. And if nobody watches we'll just quietly bin the fucker.'
Richard Hammond and James May will be retired to Channel 5 for the long, slow descent to oblivion.