Alex Salmond has announced that the SNP would vote down a Tory Queen's speech in a move that sees him appointing himself King of Scotland and Lord Protector of the Realm of England.
Salmond, who, if elected, holds no position of leadership in the SNP, has made these announcements without consulting Nicola Sturgeon.
Asked for her opinion, Ms. Sturgeon said 'Alex is a trusted colleague, a good friend and a politician of impeccable standing.'
'But I'm going to punch the cunt in the face. He just can't shut the fuck up for 5 minutes. I've been SNP leader for about a week and he's opeing his massive gob and shitty bile is spilling out.'
SNP treasury spokesman Ken Haddock said 'I am going to hold Alex's hands behind his back.'
'Sue Scampi will kick him in the balls whilst Henry Fish Fingers him.'