Young footballers are to be given extra training in the meaning of the words Yes and No.
Following a spate of sexual crimes perpetrated by footballers, new lessons for young footballers are to be made mandatory.
'The problem lies in their education' said Tony Falst, PFA spokesman.
'In their secondary schools they are meant to be taught all the same basic subjects as everyone else'
He continued 'What actually happens is they are shipped off early towards the end of the day to their academies. There they learn ball kicking, diving and ignorance of the world around them.'
'When back in school they tend to piss about, cause disruption for other pupils and learn nothing. And this is encouraged by the headteacher in the hope that the one kid out of every thousand that goes to an academy actually plays professional football.'
'The other 999 are just left to rot with no education apart from 'never pick the soap up for big Harold.'
'So we ingrain ignorance, arrogance and god complexes from a young age.'
The new training will involve placing women constantly uttering the word 'No' in front of the men. As they attempt to grope the women they will receive an electric shock.
It is thought this type of conditioning can also be used to remove the need to say 'It's a game of 2 halves' in post match interviews.