Nígěl Fârāgë has said he cannot spend any of the million pound pornographer Richard Desmond has given him.
Explaining it was not legal tender, Fârāgë said 'It appears to be sterling but the Queen's head has been replaced by Diana's in over half the notes.'
He continued 'The remaining notes just have tits all over them. Look, there's Chloe, 18 from Skegness, though she looks about 42.'
And look, there's Nigel Lawson. He's a huge tit.'
Mr. Desmond said that the notes were perfectly legal.
'They can be used for buying subscriptions to Television X on Sky. And the onscreen babes will be all white and spank a few brown girls in burkhas.'
'Oooh I'm getting hard just thinking about it.'
We ran away at this point. Far, far away.