Andy Burnham and Yvette Cooper have been on their knees tickling the balls of Sir Philip Green it emerged today.
The chairman of the Arcadia group has promised huge funding for future election campaigns for whichever candidate sells their soul first.
As a demonstration of their commitment, they must be willing to take a shot in the mouth.
'I'm ready and waiting, open mouthed. Pick me, pick me' said Burnham.
'Here. Spaff on my tits and in my hair. I'm the one you want' said Cooper.