Here at The Morning Gerald we pride ourselves on our insightful analysis and bringing you, the discerning reader, the latest, most accurate and least sweary news.
In this climate of political uncertainty, and with the major players in this election putting party before country, we feel we owe you our beliefs and assumptions in these trying times.
Run the fuck away. Fast. In any direction. Just fucking leg it.
Seriously, it's all going to go tits up after Thursday.
Do a quick Google search for the nearest caves, pack some blankets and a few kitchen knives to kill wild animals with and get the fuck out of town.
We are. Our Friday edition is going to be cave paintings and indecipherable scrawl written using a sub-editors bowel movements as ink.
My daughter asked me why I was crying. I told her I had something in my eye. It was actually the thought of leaving behind a lifetimes worth of wank mags and my parents finding them.
But at least I will be alive. So run. All of you. Save yourselves. And remember, never accept sweets off a stranger. He's probably a nonce.