A survey of all the world's adults has resulted in fizz being removed from most drinks.
The research undertaken by Professor Charles Langtree of Felchfield Polytechnic showed startling results.
'It couldn't be more clear' said Professor Langtree.
'Apart from beer, excluding Lager, 89% of adults wamt fizz removed from all drinks.'
'The main reason cited was that, when one is thirsty and wishes to gulp down large amounts, one can't because the fizz irritates the throat, makes the eyes water and is generally a nusiance.'
'Companies do not need to add fizz to make their drinks seem exotic in the same way that they don't need to add a free plastic dinosaur because most adults aren't fucking twelve year olds'
'Although a significant proportion of men did admit a free plastic dinosaur wouldn't go amiss as long as they could pretend to be disdainful in front of their wives and hide it in their pockets.'
'Then they could get home and have a massive game of Luke Skywalker vs Lion-O vs Brontosaurus and really fuck the place up.'