After it emerged that Lord Sewell, a Labour peer, was caught on film snorting cocaine with two prostitutes, random drugs tests are to be initiated in the House of Lords.
'It's a simple method' said Dr. Barry Sheen, specialist in Geriatric medicine.
'We tell the old bastards that we have a 16 year old Ghanian prostitute ready to suck them off and their trousers drop like a salivating dog upon hearing a bell.'
'We scoop up the rancid, piss soaked tweed trousers and wring them out into a bucket before handing them back with a months supply of Tena Lady.'
'I really should give the men Tena Men, but anything I can do to emasculate this bunch of freeloading bigotted arse polyps, I'll take.'
'Then we fake a positive result and get this human wreckage thrown from the seat of the worlds oldest democracy before they can sully it further with their prehensile cuntiness.'
