A study across the UK has shown that, rather than Mandarin or Spanish, the best second language to learn is English That Others Can Comprehend.
Professor Charles Langtree of Felchfield Polytechnic has conducted the research and the results were startling.
'Spoken and written English in Britain has descended largely into a collection of randomly associated grunts and hums and a variety of characters and punctuation marks vomited onto a page.'
'Those who speak English as a second language stare at us and start to doubt their own abilities in the language when they speak it perfectly.'
'This is nothing to do with accents or regional variations which are to be celebrated. No, this is to do with barely literate walking flesh piles communicating through co-ordinated collisions. It's got to stop.'