Obama To Britain: Stay In EU. Don't Make Us Have to Talk Directly with the French

Barack Obama has called British Prime Minister David Cameron to beg him not to take Britain out of the EU it has emerged.

In an hour long phone call, Obama was apparently reduced to tears in the end.

'I was listening in' said Mr. Cameron's secretary, Ash Kennedy.

'Mr. Obama was inconsolable. He was offering to pay for the Trident replacement, for new aircraft carriers, even a personality transplant for George Osborne'

'He was offering anything just to ensure he doesn't have to deal with the French directly. Apparently he likes having us as a sort of filter to communicate through with the French.'

'I can't say I blame him. We have got used to it somewhat over the centuries. But just saying 'the French' makes me shudder and break out into a cold sweat.'

'It really makes you think of the Spanish and the Germans. How can anyone live that close to such self-obsession and brashness? Oh I think I'm going to vomit!'