David Cameron has announced his latest crackdown on the social security system saying anyone not called David is ineligible for benefits.
Speaking from No. 10, the Prime Minister said 'This is a logical policy.'
'Those who help themselves deserve help. I have helped myself my entire life. After all, I wouldn't be Prime Minister if I hadn't worked hard would I?'
'So, as I have worked hard and helped myself, I'm then only one who deserves benefits.'
'The rest of you can, as my old latin master used to say to me, fuck off.'