Gordon Brown will make a keynote speech on the Labour leadership election today, likely backing one of the candidates and causing the entire nation to shrug its shoulders in boredom.
The speech, which is said to last 7 hours, will be attended by a packed room of the deaf, who are being paid huge volumes of cash to make the personality free former Prime Minister look good.
'Today I consider my hearing impairment an ability, not a disability' said Ash Kennedy, Labour party member and lifelong sufferer of total hearing loss.
'I am actually going to be wearing a pair of special glasses with screens on the inside on which I will be watching the three Lord of the Rings films. That takes about 9 hours, I should be fine.'
'The original Lord of The Rings Films though. Not the three Hobbit films. They're more boring that Gordon Brown. How to make the Hungry Caterpillar into 9 hours of torrid shite.'