Migrants coming to the UK through non standard means have assured the Defence Secretary Philip Hammond they will not maraud even if they knew how to.
Abdul Karim, 23 of Somalia said 'I like to think of myself as more louche. More of a gentleman cad.'
'I wouldn't know how to maraud even if I was paid.'
'What does it look like? It sounds like far too much hard work to me. I would much rather stalk through the channel tunnel like a panther and then present the arresting police officer with G & Ts on ice.'
'And to think you all think we wouldn't integrate and fit in. We more British than any of you. We are even starving and in desperate need of a food bank because governments just want to ignore us.'
'Now that is truly British, surely?'