Andy Burnham has announced that if he doesn't win the Labour Party leadership race he will form an offshoot centre-left party called 'The Soundbite Party'
After his lacklustre efforts in the final hustings in which an exit poll said he came fourth, Mr. Burnham said 'This is not the time for soundbites. But I feel the hand of Tony upon me.'
'I feel I am the only one who can reach out to working families. We need a big conversation about our economic plans.'
'Let me be clear. And I think this is really important. I will never, ever say anything of substance. And I think people who know me would agree with that.'
Mr. Burnham is being referred to a specialist who works with torture victims to help re-establish their personalities. After 20 years of New Labouresque soundbite politics, Mr. Burnham is no longer recognisable to his family.